Pirates Are My FREINDS!

No one understands pirates as much as I do. I spent years on a pirate ship in the south Pacific, and let me tell you right from the horse's mouth, pirates are kind, decent folk. Not once did I have to worry about getting the bills in on time or paying off my mortgage. They were the nicest bunch of cuthroats I've ever seen. The captain even baked me some chocolate chip cookies the first time I came aboard.

And now I walk around each week, seeing pirates on movie posters and such?! This is an outrage! I've never been more angry. You know what? Just forget it. I'm in no mood for this. A pirate saved my life, and you dare to stand in judgement of them?! What does that say about you? That's right, a pirate pulled me out of a barrel. If it wasn't for those pirates, I'd be a pickle right now.

As a robot, I'm against pickling. It's highly unnatural. If you're going to be mummified, at least have the muttonchops to get wrapped up first. I could go on for hours about how I hate muttonchops, lambchops, and all other hair styles that aren't mullets. In fact, put mullets on the list. At the top. I rue the day mullets were invented!

And if anyone says anything about pirates again, I'm gonna take you downtown and have a little talk with your principal. Because everyone has a principal, not in the academic sense, but in the political sense. Who is your principal but your mayor? You governor? Your emporer? It's all the same. It's all a blur to me now, as I sit watching Spumco cartoons over the Internet... how else am I supposed to see them?! I'd buy them, but where are the DVDs?! Not out yet. Never out. What's a robot gotta do to get some service around here?!

Class Trip

Wasn't our last class trip the best?!

Oh, that's right, you weren't there. Too bad, Bill Gates showed up and started handing out hundred dollar bills. Then it rained pizza.

But the best part was how, at the hotel, the manager woke us up personally at six in the morning every day. Normally, I'm against being woken up. But being in Boston and North Dakota concurrently is something you need to be fully awake to experience.

I mean, do I go into your home and tell you that you can't wake up early if you wanted to?! That's not the way the world works, not since the reformation. Modern computer citizenry requires a lighter touch, a feather dusting if you will. But getting back to our class trip, it wasn't this year, or even last year.

No, the class trip I'm talking about was way back in elementary school. To teach us about life, the faculty released us in the middle of Boston with only a compass and a fruit rollup. It was up to us to find a way home; this would weed out the weaklings and save taxpayers money in the long run.

At first I had no idea how to get home, but then I remembered that moss always grew on the north side of trees. So I sold this nugget of information to a nature show host and hired a cab.

That's how I won my first nobel prize.

Frozen In Time

The pockets of oddities permeating the blogosphere grew another arm a few days ago as I unearthed a true discontinuity. Does anyone remember how, in February, Blogger was having problems and everyone's comments were getting deleted? I do. In fact, it was at that time that I had the misfortune to try out one of those in-browser blogging extensions. It was supposed to allow me to make posts without logging in and all that. Instead, the test post I made... vanished.

I got rid of the blogging tool and when Blogger got their systems sorted out, I went back to the old way of doing things. Then, a few days ago, I discovered a grizzly find. The test post I made, through some unholy combination of Blogger hiccups and browser extensions, was not deleted.

The post won't show up on the "Edit Posts" tab, and it doesn't add to the post count. Also, it seems to be immune to republishing. It's very strange; since I created that test post, I've almost completely redone the template, yet its appearance hasn't changed. Furthermore, although I had comments enabled on that test post, they are nonfunctional.

Only totally deleting Roboshrub Inc. may shake this frozen post from its digital purgatory, but we both know that ain't gonna happen. Would you like to see it? The post frozen in time? Very well. Check it out.

Back... From The Future!

I recently sent one of Roboshrub Incorporated's secret agents, Rick Anonymi, to the future to see if we managed to prevent the total collapse of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere. Sadly, in the future Agent Anonymi visited, the Lower Blogosphere collapsed right after it flowered to sentience.

So in light of this revelation, I have instituted a no-arm wrestling policy. This will hopefully prevent the Endtime Agents from gaining a proper fix on our location and confuse the mad hypnotists in charge of Operation Black Cheddar. I know what they're planning, as Rick was kind enough to bring back their evil plotlines in a historical archive known in the future as the "Chronicles of Xist."

The Black Cheddarists are merely the spellcasting backbone of OneStar's Armada Automata! How the two met is unclear, but we know now that several months from now, Operation Black Cheddar will be merged into the Armada. Until then, we can only hope to prevent the implosion of the Lower Blogosphere; only the power of a sentient blog can stave off the Automata menace. So unless we find the legendary lost blog... no! We can't base all our strategems on the imaginary! Where's Captain Kirk when we need him?!

The Eternal File

During my journey to discover the lost blog that attained sentience, I ran across something that will make your blood curdle. I found... the file that takes forever to copy.

This file doesn't need anyone or anything. It's entirely self-sufficient, and runs on pure hydrogen. Looks like another successful story of pride and redemption. Sometimes I wonder about the future of humanity; then I look at files like this and all my worries just evaporate like dew on a dehumidifier. I find myself looking back on humanity's use of natural resources, how foolish we were to assume that the world's supply of dirt was infinite. Dirt, as scientists will tell you now, is as precious as water. You think dirt just grows on trees?! It has to be cultivated under duress. Without dirt, all our other resources would just... dry up.

Abraham Lincoln Endorses the blogMind

Beloved former President Abraham Lincon came out in support of the blogMind's emergence early this evening. He was all, "we need to keep intelligence out of our schools, and back on the farm where it belongs."

We all love 19^th century superstar Abe Lincoln, but is he really a credible source in today's world of nanotechnology and supercomputers? Back when Lincoln was running the country, they didn't have supercolliders or even the most basic of televisions. So can he really be trusted to render an accurate opinion on the status of the blogMind? I mean, he's nice and all, but I need an expert on blog econometrics.