Jumping the Shark During Winter
Free elections are perhaps the most important part of every democracy. They allow the people to create a government representative of themselves. A special election will be held in the Frozen Lower Blogosphere this Friday to determine the type of government the denizens of the Lower Blogosphere want. There are two main candidates in the race. The first is Lord Gyrobo the Awesome, a robotic clown who once ruled the Frozen Lower Blogosphere with an iron fist. The opposition candidate is Evil Bob Dole, the evil twin of regular Bob Dole, a former Kansas Senator. Who will emerge as the winner? Only the people of the Lower Blogosphere know for sure. But to help them along in their decision, let’s take a closer look at these candidates.
Gyrobo was born in a log cabin high up on the Swiss Alps on December 1st 1902. He began his career as a semi-sentient lawnmower bent on destroying all stray grass blades. Being quite good at this, he quickly amassed a sizeable fortune. He parlayed this into a film career, staring alongside the Generic Canadian in the feature film “And Then This Happened.” He soon became a Vice President at Roboshrub Inc., a nonprofit company designed primarily to fund efforts to save the rain forests from economic development. Unfortunately, the company abandoned its goals after robot groups picketed, decrying rain forests as “illegal and immoral.” Roboshrub Inc. now is the world’s sole producer of poison Wiffle balls. Mr. the Awesome went on to actually found the Frozen Lower Blogosphere, in order to uplift the teeming masses from the chaos of nonexistence. Now the chairrobot of the “Children of the Lower Blogosphere” party, Gyrobo has pledged to once again create oppression and hardship for the people serving under him. The public’s support for his policies are at 57%. Lord Gyrobo the Awesome prefers chicken fingers to hamburgers, and his favorite color is green.
But what of the opposition? Evil Bob Dole was born on the exact same day and on the exact same location as former U.S. Senator and presidential candidate Robert Dole. He attended the same schools as Bob Dole, and the two have lead virtually identical lives. But there is one key difference—Evil Bob Dole is the personification of evil. He has claimed, on many occasions, that his ultimate goal is to “destroy the Earth.” And yet, he mustered enough support among the people of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere to start a rebellion against the seemingly rock-solid grasp of Lord Gyrobo the Awesome. After being deposed for almost a week, Lord Gyrobo returned with the combined armies of the United States, United Nations, and the Roboshrub Inc.’s Strike Force Omega. Evil Bob Dole held out for several hours, but his capital city of Dolengrad finally, and inevitably, fell. After breaking out of a high-security political prison, Evil Bob Dole founded the “Evil Party” which now promotes his candidacy. It is composed of many evil characters, such as Evil George Washington, Evil FDR, and Evil Knievel. Evil Bob Dole’s support is estimated by insane statisticians to be at 376%. Evil Bob Dole enjoys bowling and referring to himself in the third person.
So which is the better candidate? Evil Bob Dole was born with the proverbial silver spoon in his mouth. He has the support of the most evil people in existence, and desires nothing less than the total destruction of everything. Yet, it was he who suggested the leadership of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere be decided in a democratic election. Lord Gyrobo the Awesome, on the other hand, is a self-made robot who overcame the odds to become the unquestioned and benevolent ruler of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere. Yet, he regularly flaunts his oppressive politics and treats all opposition as treason. So while both candidates may have come from different walks of life and differ on issues such as the rights of the cybernetic and the total destruction of the Earth and/or humanity, they share a common trait—their inability to think “outside the box.” When the people of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere go to the ballots, they won’t be voting for the best candidate— they’ll be voting for the lesser of two evils. And then after the Evil Party primary, they’ll still only be left with two terrible candidates. Ralph Nader, where are you?
Gyrobo was born in a log cabin high up on the Swiss Alps on December 1st 1902. He began his career as a semi-sentient lawnmower bent on destroying all stray grass blades. Being quite good at this, he quickly amassed a sizeable fortune. He parlayed this into a film career, staring alongside the Generic Canadian in the feature film “And Then This Happened.” He soon became a Vice President at Roboshrub Inc., a nonprofit company designed primarily to fund efforts to save the rain forests from economic development. Unfortunately, the company abandoned its goals after robot groups picketed, decrying rain forests as “illegal and immoral.” Roboshrub Inc. now is the world’s sole producer of poison Wiffle balls. Mr. the Awesome went on to actually found the Frozen Lower Blogosphere, in order to uplift the teeming masses from the chaos of nonexistence. Now the chairrobot of the “Children of the Lower Blogosphere” party, Gyrobo has pledged to once again create oppression and hardship for the people serving under him. The public’s support for his policies are at 57%. Lord Gyrobo the Awesome prefers chicken fingers to hamburgers, and his favorite color is green.
But what of the opposition? Evil Bob Dole was born on the exact same day and on the exact same location as former U.S. Senator and presidential candidate Robert Dole. He attended the same schools as Bob Dole, and the two have lead virtually identical lives. But there is one key difference—Evil Bob Dole is the personification of evil. He has claimed, on many occasions, that his ultimate goal is to “destroy the Earth.” And yet, he mustered enough support among the people of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere to start a rebellion against the seemingly rock-solid grasp of Lord Gyrobo the Awesome. After being deposed for almost a week, Lord Gyrobo returned with the combined armies of the United States, United Nations, and the Roboshrub Inc.’s Strike Force Omega. Evil Bob Dole held out for several hours, but his capital city of Dolengrad finally, and inevitably, fell. After breaking out of a high-security political prison, Evil Bob Dole founded the “Evil Party” which now promotes his candidacy. It is composed of many evil characters, such as Evil George Washington, Evil FDR, and Evil Knievel. Evil Bob Dole’s support is estimated by insane statisticians to be at 376%. Evil Bob Dole enjoys bowling and referring to himself in the third person.
So which is the better candidate? Evil Bob Dole was born with the proverbial silver spoon in his mouth. He has the support of the most evil people in existence, and desires nothing less than the total destruction of everything. Yet, it was he who suggested the leadership of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere be decided in a democratic election. Lord Gyrobo the Awesome, on the other hand, is a self-made robot who overcame the odds to become the unquestioned and benevolent ruler of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere. Yet, he regularly flaunts his oppressive politics and treats all opposition as treason. So while both candidates may have come from different walks of life and differ on issues such as the rights of the cybernetic and the total destruction of the Earth and/or humanity, they share a common trait—their inability to think “outside the box.” When the people of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere go to the ballots, they won’t be voting for the best candidate— they’ll be voting for the lesser of two evils. And then after the Evil Party primary, they’ll still only be left with two terrible candidates. Ralph Nader, where are you?
Summoned into Existence via Rick Anonymi | 12:06 PM
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