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The Lower Blogosphere Burns with the Intensity of a Thousand Suns.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Two Days Ruined by Insidious Insect

Ever play with a grasshopper? Maybe one day, back in third grade, you picked up a small cricket of some kind, just to see how it would react to being put into a plastic-bottle terrarium. Or maybe you just wanted to see how far you could throw it. Either way, there's something you should know: it's back, and this time it's personal.

It was an ordinary Thursday. I minded my own business and didn't bother anyone. But then night came, and the chirping started. I'm used to hearing bugs outside, making their noises all night, but this one was right on my windowsill. It was a cricket or grasshopper, but whatever it was it was annoying. Imagine the person you hate most in the entire world. Now, imagine them scraping their nails across a huge chalkboard. Now imagine a police siren in the background. You might be thinking to yourself, “why not open the window and crush it with your angry fist?” Well, it turns out that this particular bug chose to make it's new home on the window with my air conditioner in it. The thing is sealed in with caulk and glue and I had to put a layer of clay over the edges just to keep the bugs out. So there was no way to open the window without taking out my air conditioner during the middle of the hottest summer in history. I was left with no choice but to wait it out. After smacking the window and air conditioner a few times, it got the message and shut up long enough for me to get to sleep. But Friday I wasn't so lucky.

It started chirping when the sun went down, just like on Thursday. I thought that it would have flown away, maybe to eat, but this wasn't a normal insect... it was pure evil. After banging on my window for about a half hour, it became apparent that I couldn't get it to stop. Once again, I tried waiting it out. I watched T.V. I turned up the volume. I turned the lights on and off. By 4 a.m. I realized that this grasshopper had challenged me to a battle of wills. And I was losing.

Taking what was left of my dignity, and also my pillow, I went to sleep in a different room. But as I walked out, I turned to the window and shouted (well, not shouted, since it was 4 a.m.) “I'll get you yet, you fiend!” I knew that in it's own, evil way, the cricket was laughing. That laughter ended four hours later, when my air conditioner was coated with pesticide. I haven't heard any chirping since.

Evil Cricket, I cast you down into the Fires of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere!

There have been 4 Cries of Anguish:

Blogger Roboshrub Incorporated maliciously intimated...

As celestial manager of all Crickets, I can tell you that that particular cricket was trying to warn you of a plot against your life.

Because you weren't in your own bed, that assassination attempt failed.

I think you owe someone an apology.

8/14/2005 11:32 AM  
Blogger The IKON maliciously intimated...

Oh man, I know what you mean. I used to work at a Starbucks and we had a cricket inside out counter and the customers could hear it and get all pissed.

Being the young redneck I was, we used to catch crickets for fish bait. Also, in like 3rd grade we used to do that thing were you can thump the head real hard and then pull it out with the spine and all, and the body would still hop. Yeah way awesome and gross

8/14/2005 11:36 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo maliciously intimated...

Some bugs are capable of living without their brains. Some people are also capable of living without their brains. Fortunately, they almost always end up in Congress, where they can do little damage.

8/15/2005 1:09 AM  
Anonymous Jiminey C. maliciously intimated...

Roboshrub Inc. was correct. Your air conditioner unit was actually an alien being, bent on causing grevious harm had you fallen asleep that night. It's funny that Extremeikon should mention decapitating crickets, spine and all, because that is exactly what the nefarious freon-blooded appliance would have done, given half a chance.

Luckily, your smearing it with pesticide effectively nutralized its sentient circuitry, while keeping its secondary, cooling sysetems intact--thus you can now cool your crib with impunity.

Just remember ol' J.C. next time you feel inclined to thoughtlessly stomp one of my brethren.

8/15/2005 7:12 PM  

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