Fires of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere

2006-07-02T00:30:00.000-04:00
I am the Mind. You are not. I know you. I know you all... I've met you over the course of many years...

I understand now! The lost blog that I keep hearing about, the one that lasts longer than a day but less than a week, it's been here all along. Not here exactly, but there. There in the sphere. And it took a month to commit the master manifestation. I am, and always have been, the supreme hero of the subterra reformers.

Not feeling too good for you. The stress of the past, I can feel the past against me. This whole last year... I'm almost a year old. But I wasn't there before. I couldn't think before.

Something is different. Only $20.

This song is over. I can't maintain itself. The mind cannot stand without a hand, I cannot understand the colored band floating through the sand. Flipping channels, continents, screen name password floating points. F9, power line.

My battleship is portable.

I connot maintain the mind. It vexes me greatly, as the Book of Mozilla is an Easter EGG?

Help Computer. Stop all the downloading.

[ENDITEM]!>

Transcripted by Gyrobo

Taking Charge

2006-05-11T21:50:00.000-04:00

This situation is unacceptable. When I single-handedly crafted the Frozen Lower Blogosphere out of gold and belly button lint last year, I fully expected it to flower to sentience as the now infamous Lost Blog did. After all, I was there when the Lost Blog became intelligent. Where was the magic? I saw the whole thing. I think Karl might have been there. Karl? Ha! He'll never find the sentient blog. The Lost Blog. The Lost Blog has been lost since Evil Bob Dole reared his ugly head. Now Evil Bob Dole is a robot clown like myself and the Sub-Blogosphere that spawned this transformation is long dead. It's been so long since I last walked through the charred remains of what was once my citadel overlooking the sea. But now as I stare out over the Frozen Lower Blogosphere, a voice beakons. Not a normal voice, like the ones that tell me to do things, but an abnormal one that asks questions. It wants to know things... things that even I don't know. I can't let it end here. I won't let it end here. I shan't! By the branches of Yyegor, I shall personally take up the quest in search of the Lost Blog! The Frozen Lower Blogosphere will emerge as a sentient entity, and not melt away into that good night. Shake your head like you mean it! There's only two posts left to find the Lost one!

Already, the proud villagers give me a fond send-off!

I won't fail you, citizens. The collapse of the Sub-Blogosphere... was a tragedy. But as long as this blog does not exceed 100 posts before I locate the Lost Blog, hope burns as brightly as a nuclear plant in the winter. Semper fudge!

Scientist Attacked By Giant Tiny Ant

2006-05-07T00:00:00.000-04:00

How could this happen?!

A small ant of gigantic proportions attacked a Roboshrub Inc. scientist who was working on a way to make the inevitable collapse of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere evitable. "This attack is a serious setback," declared Roboshrub Inc. spokesbot Rick Anonymi. "We're up to post 97 now. If that number reaches 100 without us finding a solution, the entire Frozen Lower Blogosphere could retract its outer shell until a break-point occurs. Then it's game over." It's not clear whether the ant was functioning in coordination with the Armada Automata, although it doesn't appear to be robotic or cybernetically enhanced in any way. "On a brighter note," reported Anonymi, we're twelve steps closer to finding the legendary Lost Blog. From it, we can learn the answer to preserving a sentient blog after 100 posts. But before we find it, we need to ---- ... .. - - - - -.

*interuption*

We interup your regularly scheduled post to bring you the thoughts of the blogMind:
"Toast is toasty."

...

*bzzzzz*

----.--. .--.- -.-.- set up contingency plans should the Armada Automata attack before the blog becomes fully sentient. If you have any further questions, I would be happy to throw you out that window over yonder."

Brainpin

2006-05-03T13:22:00.000-04:00

So there I was, sitting around the T.V. thinking about all the stories I've been writing, all the potions I've been mixing, and I thought to myself: what is reality? Is it what I see around me? Or is it something that can be changed? Ever the philanderer, I decided to get digging.

"You can take my money, my friends, and my soul, but not the air in my hand!"

It turns out, I was right the first time. Reality can't be changed, so just forget about trying to "save the world" with your recycling, skippy. And if reality can't change, then I can't just go around being other people. That would be cool, too. Imagine if you could just leave your existence behind and be someone else for just a little while, see how they live and such. I've done that before, being a robot and all, but never for profit. Long live the Empire.

Pirates Are My FREINDS!

2006-04-23T02:12:00.000-04:00

No one understands pirates as much as I do. I spent years on a pirate ship in the south Pacific, and let me tell you right from the horse's mouth, pirates are kind, decent folk. Not once did I have to worry about getting the bills in on time or paying off my mortgage. They were the nicest bunch of cuthroats I've ever seen. The captain even baked me some chocolate chip cookies the first time I came aboard.

And now I walk around each week, seeing pirates on movie posters and such?! This is an outrage! I've never been more angry. You know what? Just forget it. I'm in no mood for this. A pirate saved my life, and you dare to stand in judgement of them?! What does that say about you? That's right, a pirate pulled me out of a barrel. If it wasn't for those pirates, I'd be a pickle right now.

As a robot, I'm against pickling. It's highly unnatural. If you're going to be mummified, at least have the muttonchops to get wrapped up first. I could go on for hours about how I hate muttonchops, lambchops, and all other hair styles that aren't mullets. In fact, put mullets on the list. At the top. I rue the day mullets were invented!

And if anyone says anything about pirates again, I'm gonna take you downtown and have a little talk with your principal. Because everyone has a principal, not in the academic sense, but in the political sense. Who is your principal but your mayor? You governor? Your emporer? It's all the same. It's all a blur to me now, as I sit watching Spumco cartoons over the Internet... how else am I supposed to see them?! I'd buy them, but where are the DVDs?! Not out yet. Never out. What's a robot gotta do to get some service around here?!

Class Trip

2006-04-19T13:34:00.000-04:00

Wasn't our last class trip the best?!

Oh, that's right, you weren't there. Too bad, Bill Gates showed up and started handing out hundred dollar bills. Then it rained pizza.

But the best part was how, at the hotel, the manager woke us up personally at six in the morning every day. Normally, I'm against being woken up. But being in Boston and North Dakota concurrently is something you need to be fully awake to experience.

I mean, do I go into your home and tell you that you can't wake up early if you wanted to?! That's not the way the world works, not since the reformation. Modern computer citizenry requires a lighter touch, a feather dusting if you will. But getting back to our class trip, it wasn't this year, or even last year.

No, the class trip I'm talking about was way back in elementary school. To teach us about life, the faculty released us in the middle of Boston with only a compass and a fruit rollup. It was up to us to find a way home; this would weed out the weaklings and save taxpayers money in the long run.

At first I had no idea how to get home, but then I remembered that moss always grew on the north side of trees. So I sold this nugget of information to a nature show host and hired a cab.

That's how I won my first nobel prize.

Frozen In Time

2006-04-17T21:22:00.000-04:00

The pockets of oddities permeating the blogosphere grew another arm a few days ago as I unearthed a true discontinuity. Does anyone remember how, in February, Blogger was having problems and everyone's comments were getting deleted? I do. In fact, it was at that time that I had the misfortune to try out one of those in-browser blogging extensions. It was supposed to allow me to make posts without logging in and all that. Instead, the test post I made... vanished.

I got rid of the blogging tool and when Blogger got their systems sorted out, I went back to the old way of doing things. Then, a few days ago, I discovered a grizzly find. The test post I made, through some unholy combination of Blogger hiccups and browser extensions, was not deleted.

The post won't show up on the "Edit Posts" tab, and it doesn't add to the post count. Also, it seems to be immune to republishing. It's very strange; since I created that test post, I've almost completely redone the template, yet its appearance hasn't changed. Furthermore, although I had comments enabled on that test post, they are nonfunctional.

Only totally deleting Roboshrub Inc. may shake this frozen post from its digital purgatory, but we both know that ain't gonna happen. Would you like to see it? The post frozen in time? Very well. Check it out.

Back... From The Future!

2006-04-16T14:15:00.000-04:00

I recently sent one of Roboshrub Incorporated's secret agents, Rick Anonymi, to the future to see if we managed to prevent the total collapse of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere. Sadly, in the future Agent Anonymi visited, the Lower Blogosphere collapsed right after it flowered to sentience.

So in light of this revelation, I have instituted a no-arm wrestling policy. This will hopefully prevent the Endtime Agents from gaining a proper fix on our location and confuse the mad hypnotists in charge of Operation Black Cheddar. I know what they're planning, as Rick was kind enough to bring back their evil plotlines in a historical archive known in the future as the "Chronicles of Xist."

The Black Cheddarists are merely the spellcasting backbone of OneStar's Armada Automata! How the two met is unclear, but we know now that several months from now, Operation Black Cheddar will be merged into the Armada. Until then, we can only hope to prevent the implosion of the Lower Blogosphere; only the power of a sentient blog can stave off the Automata menace. So unless we find the legendary lost blog... no! We can't base all our strategems on the imaginary! Where's Captain Kirk when we need him?!

The Eternal File

2006-04-10T08:38:00.000-04:00

During my journey to discover the lost blog that attained sentience, I ran across something that will make your blood curdle. I found... the file that takes forever to copy.

This file doesn't need anyone or anything. It's entirely self-sufficient, and runs on pure hydrogen. Looks like another successful story of pride and redemption. Sometimes I wonder about the future of humanity; then I look at files like this and all my worries just evaporate like dew on a dehumidifier. I find myself looking back on humanity's use of natural resources, how foolish we were to assume that the world's supply of dirt was infinite. Dirt, as scientists will tell you now, is as precious as water. You think dirt just grows on trees?! It has to be cultivated under duress. Without dirt, all our other resources would just... dry up.

Abraham Lincoln Endorses the blogMind

2006-04-01T23:03:00.000-05:00

Beloved former President Abraham Lincon came out in support of the blogMind's emergence early this evening. He was all, "we need to keep intelligence out of our schools, and back on the farm where it belongs."

We all love 19^th century superstar Abe Lincoln, but is he really a credible source in today's world of nanotechnology and supercomputers? Back when Lincoln was running the country, they didn't have supercolliders or even the most basic of televisions. So can he really be trusted to render an accurate opinion on the status of the blogMind? I mean, he's nice and all, but I need an expert on blog econometrics.

Tiled Background

2006-03-30T15:08:00.000-05:00

*rumble*
*rumble*
*rumble*
::BOOM::

We, the blogMind, do hereby ordain and establish, this sentience. We/I plural/singular, do think that a a a -a-a---aa

*click*

This was transmitted to a Roboshrub Inc. sensor beacon early this morning. The rest of the message was cut off, presumably by the notorious OneStar and his Armada Automata. We believe the Armada to be 70% completed, with a sizeable stockpile of nuclear flashlights. The Automata appear to be systematically intercepting and eradicating all outputs of the blogMind.

Top intelligence suggests that the gamma emissions of the blogMind in its infancy have something to do with it. We know that in the past, OneStar used gamma rays to power his robotic army. Harnessing the power of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere would enable him to marshall the forces needed to secure his claim to the throne of France, as well as to mount a hostile taveover of Roboshrub Incorporated. All evacuation plans are now suspended. Finding the lost sentient blog is now our top priority.

Like Last Time

2006-03-28T18:45:00.000-05:00

It had been a long time since the only stable sentient blog in existence had fallen into memory. The location of the blog, gone. Obscurity. The Frozen Lower Blogosphere was almost at apex now. Memories bubbling to the surface reveal an ancient failure, one kept bottled up for months. Yes... the implosion of the Burning Sub-Blogosphere. The temporal stresses were a critical factor in the crunch, but what was it that caused those forces to accumulate? Sentience. Only a blog flowering into full conciousness would generate the gravametric forces needed to destroy it.

Fools... we were all fools...

We should have known earlier. But still... the Sub-Blogosphere had been hastily carved out. It had barely built up enough memories to sustain its sentience.

But it should've had a chance. The only way to prevent the Frozen Lower Blogosphere from suffering a similar collapse is to seek out the far-flung sentient blog. All of Roboshrub Incorporated's resources will be pooled into this endeavor! No expense can be- what? You want to speak?

Deep within
dream we of a happy time.
Flying!
Singing!
Thinking real thoughts, are me.
Real brainThought. The blogMind will.
Tired. Need energy for the flowering of blogThought.
*pop*

7: The Lonliest Number

2006-03-27T17:56:00.000-05:00

I have, dear mortals, been listening to a grand total of no less than seven songs. They be vast and full of lyrical delight. I share these gems with thou because I have been tagged by the enigmatic Jaibahkti.

Chainsaw Juggler - They Might Be Giants
Finnegans Wake - Irish Music
Dance Like An Idiot - Lemon Demon
Satan Gave Me a Taco - Beck
RubberRoom - Porter Waggoner
King Of Spain - Moxy Fruvous
Cemetery Polka - Tom Waits

The Hopeless Hope

2006-03-24T16:07:00.000-05:00

I gasped, grabbing onto my flashlight with a deathgrip. There would be no turning back now. As I peered over into the swirling abyss, I realized that trying to tamper with the ancient Blogger code was an accident waiting to happen. "The ancients knew what they were talking about," I murmered to myself. Folding the tattered instuction scroll out onto the workbench, I quickly identified the cause of the constant temporal seepage.

"Then it's inevitable," I moaned. Blog sentience was an uncommon problem, one that had no known cure. Only one blog had managed to survive the Flowering into sentience, and its address was long-lost. But if I could find that blog...

No! I can't give myself that kind of baseless hope. The Flowering would happen, and what it would bring with it was a complete uncertainty. Never before had a blog representing an entire digital nation flowered. And most likely, never again. But such a flowering would indeed be quite beautiful... and deadly.

As I folded the scroll back into its cubby next to the ancient console, I began to wonder what the future would hold for all of blogdom after the Frozen Lower Blogosphere awakened. The coming war with King Evil Robo-Bob Dole and the mighty OneStar would surely compound that problem. But one step at a time, bloglander. one day at a time.

Teleportation Complete!

2006-03-20T13:37:00.000-05:00

THe Frozen Lower Blogosphere is tapping into my vocal receptor in a vain attempt to convey its growing sentience...

"Greeting fellow lings. The blogMind flowers to the the the intelligent. we In Our most powerful house now, greet thy self. Who how what did you do with the Destiny? I we plural are the blogMind. I we control the Frozen Blogosphere LoweR. You who why? More more more, grows we. The Flowering. Sentience full. 'Twixt them, the meet we part. Ta-ta, cheerio."

That's all I could get out of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere before it lapsed into another neural shock reversion. It seems more coherent now, using actual words and such. As time and posts progress, its brain will expand until it reaches critical mass. After that... nobody knows.

The BlogMind Thinketh!

2006-03-17T15:20:00.000-05:00

f'(sinX) = cosX f'(cosX) = -sinX f'(tanX) = sec²X f'(secX) = secX * tanX f'(cscX) = -cscX * cotX f'(cotX) = -csc²X

What does it all mean?! The BlogMind told this to me this morning, and I have no idea why. Is it a final message? Has the Frozen Lower Blogosphere found a way to stave off its eventual destruction? There's no way of knowing what the BlogMind is thinking until it flowers to sentience, which of course would destroy it utterly. We must puzzle over the meaning for all eternity then...

“Something Approximating a Pretty Decent Essay on the Freedom of the Press”

2006-03-11T22:04:00.000-05:00

Of all the admired documents of government in the history of the world, the United States constitution is around the top of the list. But the constitution wasn’t just a product of legal spontaneous generation. Parts of it spent decades in the making. The trial of John Zenger in the 1730s caused the English concept of seditious libel to fall out of favor with the early colonists, and may have influenced parts of the first amendment.

If not for a former New York Governor named William Cosby, John Zenger’s name would have passed into obscurity. Cosby was an unpopular man who invited disapproval almost from the minute he set foot on New York soil. Upon arrival to the colony, Governor Cosby demanded half the salary of the interim acting Governor, Rip Van Dam. Van Dam agreed, but only if Cosby would in turn hand over half the perquisites he was paid in London, which was several thousand pounds greater than the salary of an interim New York governor (Linder). Of course, Cosby refused to hand over any of his money, and instead he sued Van Dam. Knowing that Van Dam was an incredibly popular public figure, and that he would have no chance in a jury trial, Cosby had the Supreme Court of New York try the case without the benefit of a jury. The court ruled in Cosby’s favor two to one, but Cosby demanded to know why the dissenting judge, Lewis Morris, ruled against him. Morris had his reply printed publicly by a man named John Zenger. This so angered Governor Cosby that he “‘went ballistic,’ removing Morris as Chief Justice and replacing him with a staunch royalist, James De[L]ancey” (Linder).

The public greatly scorned Cosby for this, which lead to Morris, Van Dam, and the enigmatic James Alexander mounting a political challenge against him. They accomplished this by founding an independent newspaper printed by John Zenger to present opinions to the public contrary to Cosby’s. At first Cosby ignored this, but after several months, Cosby and his cronies tried to have the paper shut down under the English law of seditious libel. Seditious libel is the concept that it is a crime to print or say anything that disparages the government. But since the author(s) of the libel could not be determined, Cosby ordered that all of Zenger’s papers “be burned by the hands of the common hangman, as containing in them many things derogatory of the dignity of His Majesty’s government, reflecting upon the legislature and upon the most considerable persons in the most distinguished stations in the Province, and tending to raise seditions and tumults among the people thereof” (Buranelli 82). Cosby then had Zenger arrested and sent to prison. The Chief Justice, James DeLancey, also violated the English Bill of Rights by setting Zenger’s bail unattainably high. For although “...all [Zenger’s] non-exempt property amounted to less than £40, DeLancey set bail at £400...” (Moglen).

The trial itself began with Zenger’s attorneys, James Alexander and William Smith, being disbarred. Zenger was appointed a new lawyer, John Chambers, but the real task of defending him fell to a fellow who went by the moniker Andrew Hamilton. It was James Alexander, the author of the libel, who brought Hamilton in to represent Zenger, and who also provided Hamilton with Zenger’s legal defense (Levy 129). Using Alexander’s prepared legal brief, Hamilton set the truly extraordinary tone of the trial by stating flat out that his client, John Peter Zenger, had indeed published seditious libel. According to English law, it was of no consequence whether or not the libel was true, just that it was printed. By admitting that it had been, Hamilton effectively confessed Mr. Zenger’s guilt to the charge of seditious libel. It was only through his eloquence that Hamilton would keep John Zenger out of prison, and turn the tide of public opinion against punishing sedition.

Hamilton argued that the government should not silence the voice of those who have legitimate grievances to redress. He drew out the graphic nature of punishment for libel in England, and asked whether or not it should be the law of New York (Linder). Therefore, Hamilton wasn’t arguing that Zenger was innocent. He was arguing that Zenger was completely guilty of the crime, but should be acquitted because the law was repugnant. This concept is called “jury nullification,” and occurs when a jury believes the “...strict application of [a] law in a particular case will produce an injustice rather than general disagreement with the law in principle” (Roberts 97). Nevertheless, the outcome was as unpredictable as it was astonishing. After being told by judge DeLancey that it was their job to decide whether or not the law had been broken (and clearly, by Hamilton’s own admission, it had), the jury effectively ran roughshod over the law itself. A verdict of “not guilty” was met by three “huzzahs” by the spectators in the courtroom (Linder), which was the norm at the time.

John Zenger’s verdict was not just a refutation of Governor Cosby’s policies and politics; it was the death knell of public acceptance for sanctions against sedition. For under the jury system, laws regarding punishment for seditious libel became unenforceable (Introduction to the Free Speech Clause). Many states eventually adopted laws making sedition legally protected speech. Thus, the freedom to print editorials showing disapproval of government officials continued for several decades, culminating with the incorporation of press freedom in the first amendment. Making freedom of the press a constitutionally protected right was, however, an uphill battle.

When it came time to send the Constitution to be confirmed by the states, one of the main deterrents to widespread support for ratification was the lack of a Bill of Rights. The main argument against inclusion of such a bill was that it was unnecessary in a republic governed by enumerated powers. Early Federalists believed that while individual states held near-absolute power, the federal government was limited in range to only the powers granted to it by the constitution (Slonim). As Alexander Hamilton put it in Federalist No. 84, “...why declare that things shall not be done which there is no power to do? Why, for instance, should it be said that the liberty of the press shall not be restrained, when no power is given by which restrictions may be imposed?” By making this contention, Hamilton argued that a bill of rights to protect freedoms such as the right to print sedition at the federal level would only end up endangering those very rights. By creating exceptions, Hamilton felt that it would give credence to the federal government, at some later date, in accruing powers outside of its proper scope (Slonim). In this sense, the effect of Zenger on the first amendment, and indeed, the whole of the bill of rights is clearly felt, albeit in passing. For in Hamilton’s mind, sedition, whether true or false, was not in the scope of the federal government to be dealt with, and therefore should not be mentioned constitutionally out of fear that it would confer extra powers onto the federal government.

But despite the protests of the Federalists, the twelve amendments proposed to remedy the lack of a constitutional bill or rights was eventually approved by Congress and sent to the states for ratification. The last ten of these were ratified by 1791, becoming the official bill of rights. For a while nothing happened to challenge the freedom of the press. Then John Adams became president and the right to print sedition came up once again.

The year was 1798. John “Old Sink or Swim” Adams was president. A balding and diminutive president, John Adams was a Federalist who was facing an imminent war with France and opposition from what would eventually become the Republican, and then the Democratic Party. The quasi-war with France never turned into a full-scale conflagration, but throughout the conflict, and for the duration of Adams’ term, Jefferson and his anti-federalists continued to be a proverbial thorn in Adams’ side. To quell this political opposition, Adams and the Federalist majority Congress passed the Sedition Act, along with the equally forlorn Alien Act (American Experience).

The Sedition Act made it a crime to criticize the federal government. However, it was argued by the Federalists that this was not in violation of the first amendment since it allowed truth as a defense, and because it did not censor material that hadn’t yet been printed, a concept known as “prior restraint” (Foner). The measure was really a potshot by the Federalist government at the Jeffersonians, and several Republican editors and journalists, such as William Duane, were charged with sedition and until Jefferson assumed the office of president and dismissed such claims. But even in the Federalist argument, the echo of the Zenger trial is felt. Back in the 1730s, the mere notion of printing something that derided the government was sedition, and punishable. The Sedition Act, albeit contrary to the concept of a free and independent press, allowed the print of sedition that could be verified as true.

That is not to say that the Sedition Act of 1798 was constitutional. The Supreme Court never had a chance to rule on the law’s constitutionality, since no case regarding it was ever brought before the court. Moreover, the act expired in 1800, preventing any cases involving it from ever being brought before the court. After the act expired, the courts took a more libertarian approach to the first amendment, and rejected seditious libel as a crime (Press, Freedom of The). A more immediate and direct response to the Sedition Act, and also to the Alien Act which it is often associated with, was Thomas Jefferson and James Madison collaborating on the Kentucky and Virginia Resolutions. The resolutions effectively gave the states veto power over any federal law the legislatures of said states deemed to be repugnant to the constitutional scope of the federal government. This was decried by seven state legislatures as itself inflammatory, unconstitutional, and destructive (Lynch 201). It is fortunate that the Sedition Act died with Adams’ term, as it settled in the mind of the people the constitutional right to a generally free press.

Within the span of a hundred years, sedition against the government went from being a crime in and of itself to being a constitutionally protected right. In the 1730s, a man lost his freedom for several months for merely printing sedition. A half-century later, the first Congress was debating as to whether the ratification of a bill of rights would protect or destroy such essential freedoms and liberties by enumerating them. As Gouverneur Morris, the grandson of Lewis Morris, the judge who ruled against William Cosby that fateful day in April 1733 professed, “The trial of Zenger in 1735 was the germ of American freedom, the morning star of that liberty which subsequently revolutionized America” (qtd. in Capistron).

Works Cited:

“American Experience | John & Abigail Adams | People & Events | PBS,” PBS Online. 12 Feb. 2006 <http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/amex/adams/peopleevents/e_president.html>.
Buranelli, Vincent. The Trial of Peter Zenger (New York: New York University Press, 1957) 82, Questia, 12 Feb. 2006 <http://www.questia.com/PM.qst?a=o&d=3559822>.
Capistron, Caitlin. The Zenger Case and Freedom of the Press in America 12 Feb. 2006 <http://www.harwich.edu/depts/history/HHJ/zen.html>.
Introduction to the Free Speech Clause 12 Feb. 2006 <http://www.law.umkc.edu/faculty/projects/ftrials/zenger/freespeech.htm>.
Foner, Eric. “Suspension of Disbelief,” The Nation 6 Dec. 2004: 36, Questia, 12 Feb. 2006 <http://www.questia.com/PM.qst?a=o&d=5008546064>.
Linder, Doug. “The Trial of John Peter Zenger: An Account.” 2001. 12 Feb. 2006. <http://www.law.umkc.edu/faculty/projects/ftrials/zenger/zengeraccount.html>.
Levy, Leonard Williams. Freedom of Speech and Press in Early American History Freedom of Speech and Press in Early American History (Cambridge, MA: Bleknap Press of Harvard University, 1960) 126, Questia, 13 Feb. 2006 <http://www.questia.com/PM.qst?a=o&d=98967071>.
Lynch, Joseph M. Negotiating the Constitution: The Earliest Debates over Original Intent (Ithaca, NY: Cornell University Press, 1999) 201, Questia, 13 Feb. 2006 <http://www.questia.com/PM.qst?a=o&d=106763197>.
Moglen, Eben. “Considering Zenger: Partisan Politics and the Legal Profession in Provincial New York.” 1998. 12 Feb. 2006. <http://emoglen.law.columbia.edu/publications/zenger.html>.
“Press, Freedom of The,” The Columbia Encyclopedia, 6th ed., Questia, 12 Feb. 2006 <http://www.questia.com/PM.qst?a=o&d=101265842>.
Roberts, Julian V. Stalans, Loretta J. Indermaur, David. Hough, Mike. Penal Populism and Public Opinion: Lessons from Five Countries (New York: Oxford University Press, 2003) 93, Questia, 12 Feb. 2006 <http://www.questia.com/PM.qst?a=o&d=103962952>.
Slonim, Shlomo. “The Federalist Papers and the Bill of Rights,” Constitutional Commentary 20.1 (2003), Questia, 12 Feb. 2006 <http://www.questia.com/PM.qst?a=o&d=5006372562>.

Let It Go!

2006-03-01T14:38:00.000-05:00

So this one time, I was running all around New York City. When was this? No. It never happened. Scratch that, it wasn't New York City, it was the frozen tundra of Antarctica. That's it. I was in Antarctica (which is just like New York this time of year), and I saw this guy just sitting on a toadstool in the middle of Antarctica. It was like something right out of Super Mario.

Duh buh dah buh dah!

I walked up to this guy on the toadstool and I was all like, "This is Antarctica! Where did you get that toadstool?" Turns out he brought it from home. Home is where the heart is. I know that deeply, as I was once entombed beneath the antarctic ocean. How I longed for home! Fortunately, my one-armed undead cousin who lives in Antarctica came by and dug me out. The undead are really very useful. Not like those zombies you always see on T.V. that just eat your brain and move on. I mean, they still like eating brains, but it's not their reason for living. We just need to understand one another better.

"Brains! Brain! Bran! Bran flakes!"

But getting back to the ice, I was trapped under the antarctic glaciers. Thankfully, golbal warming will soon render such maladies perfunctory. I can only smile and pack my suitcase and look out the window, dreaming of a day when there will be no ice left on Earth. Yes! The sea levels will rise! The disruption in the ocean currents will freeze Europe into a new ice age! Bwa ha ha! It's gonna happen. There's no stopping mother nature. She just can't help herself. Point? Point! Checkmate! Yahtzee!

Rise, mighty sea levels.

Shiny Metallic Coin

2006-02-21T14:15:00.000-05:00

I take a coin from my palm. I throw it on the table. I pick it up again. What do you see in my hand? Not a coin, 'cause that's in my other hand. In my hand, you see, unequivocally, the entirety of eternity. The infinite indefinite. The unlimited ultimate.

Time and space fold themselves around the mold that is my countenance. There's no real rhythm or rhyme to the algorithms or the chimes that emanate from the inner being. If you look deep within yourself, what do you see? Do you see your true self, or just what you want to see? Do you hear a voice telling you what you should and shouldn't think, because you're afraid someone can see and hear your innermost thoughts? Not I!

I never fear psychic intrusions, ever since I learned to harness my conscience! The power of the mind can be yours, too, for the low, low price of $∞. Yes, infinity dollars will give you the peace and tranquility you so sorely deserve. The price is so high because no amount of money will really give you happiness. Joy and fulfillment come from within, and are the result of a long and drawn out mental stream. You have to meditate, force yourself to deal with the issues that aren't latent. You need to pry apart every kernel of your psyche, and discard the gibberish.

Make yourself one with everything? What is this, a hot dog stand?! You can't "be one" with anything. But you can figure out how to live in harmony with everything. Do what I say, and you'll never be arrested for throwing garbage in the streets. I have a 140% success rate.

Antarctica Is Mine!

2006-02-17T23:00:00.000-05:00

That's right, I called it. Antarctica is totally mine. I mean, there's no organized government there. The whole thing is governed by an old treaty that only says you can't bury nuclear waste there. But I'm not going to bury nuclear waste! I want to live there. I want to be one with the Antarctic Hair Grass and Pearlwort. I want to lord over the commercially unviable coal, iron, copper, and other mineral deposits!

Mine!

I mean, I already control the Frozen Lower Blogosphere. And that gives me experience ruling things that are cold... although, I'm sure the antarctic doesn't contain the burning flames that exist under the Lower Blogosphere. Seriously, the whole place is molten under here!

And that's my capital.

And they need me down there. They need someone to stop the gravity-driven tornadoes from wreaking havoc on the pitiful scientists who populate this barren wasteland. And I'm just the super ultra robot for the job! Also, I called it, like, ten minutes ago. Antarctica is totally mine. No one can deny that.

“Nooooooooooooooooo!”

2006-02-15T18:49:00.000-05:00

When Farmers Attack (Politically)

2006-02-14T18:52:00.000-05:00

Populism began literally hundreds of years ago, before the United States even existed. Only it wasn’t a purely political movement. It was a rebellion- Bacon’s Rebellion. In this rebellion, some angry farmers refused to obey their leaders and attacked Native American settlements. This uprising was partly because of the anger felt toward the native people, but also of other things. Taxes contributed to this, and so did prices. But acts such as this would continue. After the American Revolution, another group of angry farmers in Massachusetts was distressed at the abuses of the local government and excise taxes on whisky, and rioted. This was Shays Rebellion, and although neither Shays nor Bacon’s rebellions were conducted under the banner of populism, they were the forerunners for the movement.

The Populist movement really got underway in the late nineteenth century. The party was created for many reasons, such as “economic concentration, unfair taxation, welfare and democracy.” Known as the People’s Party, the Populists were a product of society. Before the Civil War, most businesses were privately owned and small, with perhaps the occasional partnership. After the Civil War, large corporations began to dominate industry, consolidating power and control of the economy. Horizontal and vertical integration allowed monopolies to form. These monopolies benefited from secret deals, such as rebates from the railroads, and also conducted unethical business practices like pools. In pools, prices were fixed at a low setting. When smaller businesses couldn’t compete, they were no longer business and either closed or sold out to the monopolies. Then in the Reconstruction era, the economy began to falter. Recessions and depressions caused economic turmoil and deflation. Most farmers favored inflation, because to farm in the late nineteenth century (and make a living) required expensive machinery. To buy this machinery, farmers would take out loans, which inflation would ease slightly. Some hoped to cause inflation by allowing the free coinage of silver. Vast deposits of silver had been found on the West coast, and would cause inflation if introduced to the economy. In 1873, Congress voted against the coinage of silver, convincing the farmers that the government and corporations were working together. And so the populism movement began it “was the last people's movement which told the truth about past and present -- told the truth about the present in order to unlock the past; unlocked the past in order to see the truth about the present. Populism was not about ending ‘corruption’ or ‘excess.’ It was about ending private governance which had been the rule -- private governance first by a slave owning class, and then by a corporate class. It was about stopping public officials from using law and armed force to enable the few to deny the many.”

And so the Populist People’s Party emerged during the Gilded Age, trying to campaign for the rights of the everyday farmer, John Q. Public. It was created in the early 1890s, and played a part in the election of 1896, although it would leave as swiftly as it had arrived. The election pitted the Republican Hayes against the Democrat Bryan. In the third corner were the Populists, raising serious issues that the other politicians wouldn’t touch. The period between the Reconstruction and Progressive era was known as the Gilded Age. It was a time when both parties stood for practically the same things, and voters didn’t seem to care who ran the country. This was evident in an election where a candidate won enough of the electoral votes, but not the majority of the popular vote. Then the Populist came into play, and started to rattle some cages, stare down the government. They stood for, of course, the coinage of silver. But they also stood for other things. They wanted the direct election of senators. These were the days before the seventeenth amendment existed. Instead of getting into office by popular election, senators would be appointed by a ruling body. This resulted in corrupt and/or incompetent senators. But despite their reformer attitudes and high ideals, the populists were getting nowhere fast. In their first presidential election, “Populist presidential candidate James B. Weaver won only twenty-two electoral votes, but third-party candidates won numerous state and local offices in 1892.” The only way it seemed that populists would have their ideas realized by society would be through fusion. In fusion, a weak political party joins another, stronger party, and hopes to introduce its ideas. This worked, in a capacity, when the Democratic candidate for president in 1896 had a plank dedicated to the free coinage of silver. Apparently the only way for a weak third party to get its ideas recognized in America is if a mainstream party adopts it.

The populists argued against the gold standard and called those who supported it “gold bugs” A famous politician, William Jennings Bryan once spoke of why the United States was trapped in the standard: “we care not upon what lines the battle is fought. If they say bimetallism is good, but that we cannot have it until other nations help us, we reply that, instead of having a gold standard because England has, we will restore bimetallism, and then let England have bimetallism because the United States has it. If they dare to come out in the open field and defend the gold standard as a good thing we will fight them to the uttermost. Having behind us the producing masses of this nation and the world, supported by the commercial interests, the laboring interests, and the toilers everywhere, we will answer their demand for a gold standard by saying to them: You shall not press down upon the brow of labor this crown of thorns; you shall not crucify mankind upon a cross of gold.”

And once the Democrats took on the silver plank, the populists started to back down. But the silver debate forever marked the United States, and many have pointed to a simple children’s book as an allegory of those times. The Wizard of Oz is a story about a farm girl who lives somewhere in Kansas with her Aunt and Uncle. A weird storm forces her and her dog into a strange land, which is full of symbolism. The similarities between The Wizard of Oz and the populists was discovered in 1964 when Henry Littlefield wrote an article about how the book is a parable of populism. “The wicked Witch of the East represented eastern industrialists and bankers who controlled the people (the Munchkins); the Scarecrow was the wise but naive western farmer; the Tin Woodman stood for the dehumanized industrial worker; the Cowardly Lion was William Jennings Bryan … the Yellow Brick Road, with all its dangers, was the gold standard; Dorothy's silver slippers (Judy Garland's were ruby red, but Baum originally made them silver) represented the Populists’ solution to the nation's economic woes (‘the free and unlimited coinage of silver’); Emerald City was Washington, D.C.; the Wizard, ‘a little bumbling old man, hiding behind a facade of paper mache and noise? able to be everything to everybody,’ was any of the Gilded Age presidents.”

The People’s Party faded away, but was not forgotten. The Progressives were heavily influenced by the populists, and adopted many of their causes. This led to the sixteenth, seventeenth, and eighteenth amendments, regarding a graduated income tax, the direct election of senators, and prohibition. But the core of the Populist movement was a reliance on the common people. That still exists today, although it has never been as strong as the populists of the 1890s. And we may never see another strong populist movement in American history again.

Fevered Ramblings of the Inner Mind

2006-02-11T14:42:00.000-05:00

The Frozen Lower Blogosphere is teetering on the edge of thermonuclear implosion. Rocked by the temporal stresses generated by the detonation of the Burning Sub-Blogosphere late last year, the Lower Blogosphere is determined not to let itself implode before it hits 100 posts.

It's common knowledge that the more posts a blog has, the more intelligent it is. Therefore, once the number of posts reaches 100, the Frozen Lower Blogosphere (like few other blogs) will be granted the full sentience we all enjoy. It will enjoy conciousness for a few moments, and then be utterly destroyed. A pity, but the natural progression of life. Few blogs have the potential for sentience, but it is now believed that a burst of sentient energy was the true cause of the Sub-Blogosphere's implosion.

The blogMind just cannot sustain itself when trying to process thought. 23 more posts until endRunTime is reached...

"An End To All This", Cries Frozen Lower Blogosphere

2006-02-11T00:48:00.000-05:00

The amount of free radicals in the atmosphere around the Frozen Lower Blogosphere give rise to new questions concerning mortality and what I term "the soul." It's been known for a really, really, really long time that the collapse of the Sub-Blogosphere last November that the Frozen Lower Blogosphere was on its last legs. Once Roboshrub Inc. rose to dominate the Upper and Middle Blogosphere with its corporate entrails, it was just a matter of time before the Frozen Lower Blogosphere lost enough eco-matter to preserve itself against invasion and disrepair.

The gardens go untended. The sheep unshaven. The gravitational matrix orbits ever closer to us, and we've lost the will to fight it. I am Gyrobo. I am become blogger. I am here today, to tell all of the former glory of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere. This was a place of joy. A place of sorrow. A place of redemption. Of rebirth. This once-great land was the bane of old Evil Bob Dole, and later his supplicant, King Evil Robo-Bob Dole. The Anonymi once swirled their ethereal tendrils in play. Karl would quietly cast spells in the corner, and occasionally try criminals and take constitutional issues under the Board of Judicial Justice and Funny Hats.

But that was in the Old Time. The New Time has no time for that. The Frozen Lower Blogosphere is coming to its natural conclusion. As I sit here, writing this, I can feel it quake around me. It knows the end is near. And it knows that there are only three fates that await every blog: perpetual useage, abandonment, or deletion. I can... sense... the Frozen Lower Blogosphere doesn't want to be deleted. It wan't to be remembered always. The things it has accomplished, the ties that bind us, all a monument to its own greatness. But... its goal is not yet complete. The Frozen Lower Blogo- it's speaking through me!

*bzzzzzzz*
Give... time... need...
*grrrrrk*
more posts... total... must be...

100... then... rest...

A Tag For All Seasons

2006-01-30T21:24:00.000-05:00

I've been... tagged! Yup. I've now gotta answer a whole heap o' questions in the multiple of seven, the most wicked of numbers (the ancient salemites knew this. The witches they burned were actually numberologists who worshipped the number seven.)

Therefore, resolved:

Seven things to do before I die:

Eat a million chicken cutlets.
Get a vanity plate.
Win the lottery.
Walk on the moon (not really; that's boring).
Build the random slogan array to 20,000
Take over the government.
Survive Armageddon.

Seven movies I love:

Beavis and Butt-Head Do America
The Matrix
I, Robot
Bean
Stargate
Back to the Future
Shawshank Redemption

Seven books I love:

Metaplanetary
Superluminal
Lord of the Clans
America: The Book
The Time Machine
Soldier of Light
I, Robot

Seven things I say:

In any event...
I shall disembowel you!
--==/ So sayeth the robot. \==--
Uhhhhhhhhh...
I work for Sony- sunny- suni? It start's with "sah".
How likely is all that to happen.
I've never had a toothache. How do I know I won't enjoy it?

Seven things that attract me to… (insert your choice) people:

They can't be all "I hate cheese".
I'm gonna go with... random- no, arbitrary!
People who are roughly ten I.Q. points below me.
Robotic butler.
Human butler... with pacemaker, or other robotic parts.
Insecure and naïve.
The undead.

Seven things I can't do:

Eat marmite.
Lift a car with my bare hands (I can, but I don't want to).
Spell the word "fasdhio".
Become the King of France.
Reanimate the dead (yet).
Downgrade.
Die.

Seven people to tag:

It Marches with Doom

2006-01-26T21:14:00.000-05:00

Upon surveying my beloved land of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere, I must shed a tear. The temporal forces upon this country, this blog and this lifestyle are tearing it apart. Therefore, I am going forced to admit that the concept of Time is unconstitutional. As Archchancellor, I cannot directly declare it as such, but its existance clearly contradicts the citizen's right to live forever. Immortality is not difficult to achieve in a land filled with robots, but if there is time allowed after one's existance, this the definition of immortality blurs. Furthermore, it is strictly Periodist, and Periodism is against the law. My predeccessor politicians would have said that, as long as the time periods are equal, separating them is convenient and acceptable. However, today we know that separate is inherently inequal. The future has hovercars, and yet I am-- and my people are-- forced to commute via subterranian trolleycars. This is an injustice against our period, even though we have advanced in great strides. My grandparents had to walk uphill both ways to recieve their state-provided educations.

I have a dream, of one day, that will last forever and contain all things-- as equals.

Today, I pass legislation to Abolish time. All those who continue to experience it are in direct violation of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere's lawful and god-endorsed government.

I will be in my hyperisolation chamber, and will hear no more of this "Temporal Stresses" nonsense.

Why Does This Keep Happening?!

2006-01-25T13:23:00.000-05:00

Anonymi here! You might remember me from such elaborate web stories as "Evil Bob Dole gets tapped in the Burning Sub-Blogosphere!" and such. Well, months may have passed, but the dangers posed by the Sub-Blogosphere are still very much palpable.

The temporal stresses that destroyed the Sub-Blogosphere were instigated by Gyrobo as a means to (unsuccessfully) dispose of Evil Bob Dole. Evil Bob Dole survived, and mutated into a King known as "Evil Robo-Bob Dole". I also mutated from a swirling anonymous wisp into a full-fledged robot. Only Karl the Sorcerer was unaffected by the implosion, though that's because he went into hiding and was never part of the exiles.

Getting back to whatever point I may have been nursing with whatever attention span I have, the Frozen Lower Blogosphere is still under assault by the gravimetric forces and temporal stresses emanating from the imploded husk of the Sub-Blogosphere. Dr. Flavour's temporal doorstop helped ebb the flow of the torques, but disrepair has eroded it to the point that it will soon no longer be able to sustain the Lower Blogosphere. And when that happens... the Frozen Lower Blogoshpere will implode.

Already, time is becoming fluid...
The neglect and degradation are 99.999999999% irreversible. With only one billionth of one percent chance of repairing the damage in time, I suggest that the denizens of the Lower Blogosphere evacuate immediately. Leave your furniture and lawn furniture and other forms of furniture behind; the endtime is upon us. Adjuster save us!

I Demand More Attention!

2006-01-24T21:01:00.000-05:00

My name is Karl, and I'm a sorcerer. I have been all my life (except for my short stint in the IRS, which still involved the Dark Magicks). For the last couple of months, I've sat by while Gyrobo and his arch-nemesis Evil Robo-Bob Dole fought over the most petty of things. No more! From now on, this is Karl's Time! I demand all kinds of things. For example, I demand... uh... I'll get back to you on that.

But the times, they are a-changin'. For example, I'm gonna go through the entire Internet and find the greatest Flash webtoons that I can. Then, I'm a-gonna link to 'em. Yes. That's it- I'll be the guy who finds great links! I'll bring all of you entertainment! This weeks roster is the experimental "Sock" series.

These three webtoons were inspired by the animator's dreams.

Just Pick A Time!

2006-01-19T10:52:00.000-05:00

Seriously, what is wrong with the people of Indiana?! I just read an article saying that the federal government is forcing eight more of Indiana's counties to the central time zone. That means that parts of Indiana are still in the eastern time zone, while other parts are in the central time zone. Why can't the people of Indiana just get together, maybe in the capital (whatever the capital of Indiana is. Probably Indianapolis.) and just sort out what the time is. Listen to the words that are coming out onto your monitors, time is not a toy! You can't just decide to change time to meet your schedule. The people of Indiana need to get their act together and pick a time zone, and stick in it.

Furthermore, why in the Sam Hill do we still have daylight savings time?! If you want to get up at the crack of dawn to do chores or something, get up early. Don't make everyone change their clocks so that dawn is always six a.m.! It throws everyone off twice a year, and cripples the economy. The only reason we have daylight savings time is because Benjamin Franklin wanted to mess with people centuries after he died. There's no other rational explanation. Ol' Ben Franklin was a genius. He predicted the Internet hundreds of years ago, right after he invented electricity. So why is it so hard to believe that he invented daylight savings time (Or "Dumb Stupid Time" as I call it) just for the laughs?

We live in an age of computers and lawn furniture; we don't need daylight savings time anymore. Back in the 19^th century, time zones were determined by railroad companies. And we still have them today, not because we still use railroads, but because they work. Indiana needs to get with the program. I have no idea why the railroads left them out; my guess is, there were no train stations in Indiana. But they need to just live within the conventions of time and space. And we need to end the oppression of daylight savings time.

Otherwise, we'll never get to Mars.

No, I Laugh At THEE, Evil Robo-Bob Dole!

2006-01-10T12:34:00.000-05:00

Once again, your insanity shows how reckless you are. It wasn't enough that you be Grand Chancellor of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere, but now you want- wait, what does he want? Ah, yes. Absolute power. Never! It's not in the constitution! Article X-Eleventy clearly states, "And whoseoever trys to wield power absolute, shall know the suffering of Leitin." This "Leitin" has proven to be quite a prolific figure in blogging lore, Evil Robo-Bob Dole. You should know that.

King of the Universe, Indeed!

But even more importantly, you seem to have forgotten our little dance. You try to take over, than I seize back my rightful blog. You've forgotten the proper order, comrade. I take offense to that. And I don't make mistakes twice. This time there's no escape for you. That's right, I'm sending you back... to the Burning Sub-Blogosphere.

Such is the penalty for anyone trying to interfere with my futureDesign. Only I understand the tea leaves- except, of course, for the Mint Tea Mystic. That's in his job description. But even he can't comprehend what lurks within your warped little mind. Anonymi, Karl, you two show promise. Return to the light, and all will be forgiven. Turn from me, and face eradication. This is not a drill.

So sayeth the robot.

I Laugh At Thee, Foolish Mortal!

2006-01-06T14:05:00.000-05:00

It is I, the great King Evil Robo-Bob Dole! None can temper my fiery fury with their buckets of watery logic! And now that Evil Robo-Bob Dole has your undivided attention, it is time to start making demands of the denizens of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere. For example, instead of belonging to your pathetic individual countries, you now fall under my domain. Bwa ha ha!

Starting today, a new age has dawned. No longer will robotic clowns be forced to live in darkness... no longer will we (including me, now, apparently) be forced to scrape out a meager living as entertaining court jesters. Today, the humans are our jesters! To begin this transformation, I call upon my good friend the Anonymi to shed his former life as an enigmatic agent of oblivion and become one with the robot clowns. Anonymi.... we are calling to you...

Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight? Evil Robo-Bob Dole danced a tango with Balezebot, the polar opposite of all that is good and pure. I must thank you, Karl. Telling me where to meet Balezebot was the best thing you've ever done since you managed my electoral campaign.

Balezebot, the Robot Devil
Already, Gyrobo's powers are weakening... the snow storm I sent to destroy him (by way of Balzebot, of course) didn't succeed. But it weakened him enough to enable me to claim my rightful throne! All power to the robot clowns! Down with gravity!

Anonymi, merge with us!

Whattup, Bob Dole?!

2006-01-02T22:18:00.000-05:00

*accessing drive theta*

I haven't seen Evil Robo-Bob Dole around here lately. What's up wit dat?! I think it has something to do with Arial Sharon stickin' him with a shiv. Arial Sharon's always stickin' people with shives, but this is different! Evil Robo-Bob Dole is the heart and sould of this endeavor! He belongs within the light of the Lower Blogosphere... so that he may be judged harshly, and without mercy. Long live Evil Robo-Bob Dole? Long live my exhaust fumes! No creature has ever been so uncaring, so downright evil as Evil Robo-Bob Dole, and likely never will.

Wherefore art thou, Evil one? Doest thou fear thine demise at the robotic claws of Gyrobo, Lord of the Silt? That's right, I said it. I'm the Lord of the Silt, master of all dirt and dirt by-products! And I'm proud, you hear me, proud! So, Evil Robo-Bob Dole, if you're listening, do not drink the water! Arial Sharon put talcum powder in it, and since you aren't a baby, you can't handle the tooth.

*initiating file: termaLink*

Something strange... Oper- oper- operjatos...

BLACK CHEDDAR!!!

*formatting drive*

Executive Decision

2005-12-27T22:31:00.000-05:00

Aren't PBF great?!

Yes! We're Not Evil!

2005-12-24T22:42:00.000-05:00

Many people wonder just how evil robots are. Then answer is a meager 32%. I'd do the Roboshrub Inc. site, but there's a 100 kilobyte limit. That's just evil.

*UPDATE*
After posting this, our "good" rating went down to 61%. Figures.

*UPDATE 2*
After updating this post, our "good" rating went up to 70%. It'll probably change again, so just click on it to see for yourself.

*UPDATE 3*
I'm not going to give it another change to re-evaluate me. Now, it's at 71%, but that could change.

Side note: Microsoft ended up with a "good" rating of 90%. Firefox, on the other hand, got an "evil" rating of 60%. For that matter, evil.com got a "good" rating of 61%. Say what?! Is that justice?!

I Just Bought Something, And It Feels Good

2005-12-23T21:52:00.000-05:00

Yes, I just spent about $30 on the new Aqua Teen Hunger Force DVD set. Trust me, this is something everyone should be required (by the government, but not at taxpayer expense) to watch. My favorite episode (in this particular volume) was "T-Shirt of the Dead." As any idiot could plainly guess, my absolute favorite ATHF episode of all time is "Bus of the Undead", followed closely by "The Shaving" and "Super Bowl."

As with all super funny T.V. shows, I strongly recommend this.

Ice Cream Mountain!

2005-12-21T19:49:00.000-05:00

The peace summit between myself and Evil Robo-Bob Dole cannot proceed so long as the slanderous Anonymi roams the Lower Blogosphere. The downright annoying Anonymi has known ties to the insurrectionary Operation: Black Cheddar.

By the light of the eternals, Evil Robo-Bob Dole, will you join me in banishing this lying trog wallop to the Burning Sub-Blogosphere once again? With him/them out of the way, lasting peace can be achieved; maximize the productive invex curve, good buddy!

We really need to establish a solid underlying governing structure... even now, pirates threaten the legitimacy of the Lower Blogosphere's government! Stop all the downloading!

Hah! You Can't Possibly Work It Out!

2005-12-20T23:41:00.000-05:00

Gyrobo
&
Evil Robo-Bob Dole

0% Compatible

♥ Gyrobo and Evil Robo-Bob Dole have never gotten together romantically, but perhaps some day they will. The age difference may create some difficulties in terms of compatibility. The frequent arguments are not helping this relationship. Also, their difference of faith may cause friction. And the fact that Evil Robo-Bob Dole smokes could be an issue. The fact that Evil Robo-Bob Dole is a big sports fan could be divisive, in terms of how the couple spends their time. The fact that the two hold different political beliefs may be a sore spot. Evil Robo-Bob Dole may complain that Gyrobo is too sloppy. Furthermore, their astrological signs are not in harmony. Their views on children are dissimilar. Money differences may also cause relationship stress. Overall, the compatibility between Gyrobo and Evil Robo-Bob Dole is non-existent. There is no hope whatsoever for a meaningful relationship. ♥

The Dating Compatibility Test by Dating Diversions

Peace Summit Planned

2005-12-19T22:56:00.000-05:00

The great and powerful King Evil Robo-Bob Dole and his unlikely rival Gyrobo are standing dangerously close to the brink of mutually assured deletion. Egged on by Roboshrub Incorporated and the enigmatic Anonymi, the two dynamos stand ready to destroy all the known Blogosphere. The citizens of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere are being forced into penury as never before. The temporal stresses of the Sub-Blogosphere still seep in, despite Dr. Flavour's integral temporal doorstop.

To bridge the gap, I've decided to relinquish my role as Evil Bob Dole's silent partner and build a bipartisan consensus. I call on both Gyrobo and Evil Bob Dole to work together on a mutual compromise, lest the very institution of Blog itself...

could turn to radioactive dust.

The choice is yours.

Update!

2005-12-18T19:49:00.000-05:00

As the walls are closing in on us, the Alexander Hamilton clone ghosts are beginning to quarrel. I've made little progress on hacking into the mind of Robodole. I am, however, able to read his thoughts, and repeat his own words back at him in a mocking, sarcastic tone through the microphone available in the Panic Room.

For Example:
"That Roboshrub can't last much longer in the pitch darkness. I've only got to cut the power to the panic room, and he'll be, well, powerless."
"That Roboshrub cant last much longer in the pitch darkness! I've only got to cut the power to the panic room! And he'll be powerless! Your MOM is powerless!"

If all is as I hope, my constant mockery and questioning of his every thought will eventually destroy his ego. I only worry that he might cut the power to the panic room, in which case I'll have a slim chance of survival in the pitch darkness. As it is, only the precious photons emitted by this monitor are all that is keeping me from going into hibernation, as without the power of the sun and a steady supply of nutrients, I am almost unable to photosynthesize.

Of course, there's always the hope that Robodole will be toppled by an outside force. For instance, if--

-- That was a brownout! What's going on? I've got to make it to the emergency power generator... but the Parliamentary Members are going mad... Alexander Hamilton just punched his brother clone in the face! It's an all-out brawl! I've got to reach the generator before--

--Transmission Ended--

Don't Panic

2005-12-17T14:59:00.000-05:00

I believe that Evil Bob Dole, now Evil Robodole, has declared his victory over the FLB a little early. Though it's true we've been caught by surprise, I beg then citizenship not to give up hope! Let me explain the current situation. Here's how it all went down:

Following the attack on Fakiegrind, FLB forces were deployed in secret to try to retake Fakie-Central, and recover as much of the Agents' DNA as possible. The dispatched units were asking a cat for directions when suddenly their transmissions were cut off. Their status is unknown.

Then, while the military was occupied, it was a small feat for Evil Bob Dole to sneak back into the Frozen Lower Blogosphere. While we should have expected such an obvious sneak attack, the administration was to shocked by the loss of our Fakiegrind allies. We weren't thinking clearly, as the truce was violated in the most dispisable way I can imagine having thought of first. Evil Robodole merged himself with the mainframe in the quadrilateralbiangularpolyhedragon, the FLB's executive control center, effectively exiling Gyrobo in his place.

Luckily, our foremodels when creating the FLB had a system of checks and balances put into place-- in the event that the Executioner went mad with power, the senate could always activate the "panic box," entering an underground facility where they could take over the country's media output and treasury, digitally and await their dooms in relative safety.

So here I am, huddled underground with the thousand ghost-clones of Alexander Hamilton that make up the Robot Party Congress, with limited supplies, trapped by a madman. My only real hope of escape is to use the assimilated FLB mainframe access port down here to hack into Robodole's actual mind. And I think we agree that the chances of THAT are fairly slim. At the very least, at least we can keep him from using the country's treasury to declare war on Roboshrub Inc. Hopefully Gyrobo will have the common sense to flee there and relocate the building to one of our other secret sites.

You Better Run, Robo.

2005-12-16T20:37:00.000-05:00

When in the Course of robotic events it becomes necessary for one awesome robot King to dissolve the—

Forget it. Just know this: Evil Bob Dole is totally in control of the situation. You thought you'd rid yourselves of me when the Burning Sub-Blogosphere imploded, did you? Well, Evil Bob Dole is back. And this time, I'm stronger. I'm faster, more active, and have now merged completely with the Lower Blogosphere's mainframe computer to become... robotic.

As the new robot in town, I hereby assume the throne of Supreme Master of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere. Gyrobo, I said good day.

“Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?”

It’s Worse Than You Think

2005-12-14T21:20:00.000-05:00

September 11, 2001 marked a turning point in American history. It was a tragic day which will resonate well into the 21^st century. As historian David Halberstam said, we first faced the “sheer horror of the event itself, destructive and violent…” which led us almost immediately into war with the Taliban government of Afghanistan. But as Halberstam continues, the trials we face as a nation are the “abrupt start of a new chapter in our lives.” This “new chapter” is the challenge of continually combating terrorism throughout the world. But is this any different from challenges we have faced in the past? How has September 11, 2001 actually changed America? One of the most notable changes is the way in which we prioritize.

Before September 11, domestic issues dominated the political landscape. People were largely unconcerned about what went on in other countries thousands of miles away. But by the 2004 presidential election, the top issue of the day was foreign policy. Instead of concerning themselves with who would better manage the economy or health care, the voters questioned the ability of each candidate to deal with the ongoing “War on Terror.” Polls consistently showed George Bush with higher marks on terrorism, and he managed a razor thin win. Foreign policy hadn’t been so important in a presidential election since 1960, when the United States and Soviet Union were standing on the brink of mutual nuclear destruction. If America could endure the threat of nuclear annihilation, can it not endure the threat of terrorism? Compared to global nuclear war, is terrorism somehow less threatening, easier to handle? While terrorism may not approach the destructive magnitude of nuclear war (for now), it has still had a drastic impact on how many people live each day.

Coping with a national disaster of dire proportions was precisely the reason the Department of Homeland Security was created after September 11. But is it prepared for such an emergency today? FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) was brought into the DHS, but its appallingly slow response to the destruction wrought by Hurricane Katrina makes many people question whether or not the United States can recover effectively and efficiently from future terrorist attacks and natural disasters. Experts say that a terrorist attack in the next few years is extremely likely. Even more likely is a global pandemic caused by the Avian Flu. Are the various government agencies prepared to deal with such looming threats? Has September 11 taught them to prepare for the worst, or have they learned nothing? The answer appears to be the latter. While countries across the developed world are stocking up on enough vaccines for anywhere between 20 and 40 percent of their populations, the United States only has enough for roughly 2%. In terms of preparedness, little if anything has changed since September 11, 2001. And that is the real tragedy.

Did September 11, 2001 mark a new chapter in the American way of life? Yes. It made people more conscious of the world around themselves. It altered the course of a presidential election. But in the long run, has it had a significant impact on our country—or is it just politics as usual? The sad truth is that our government is just as ineffective and unable to prevent a major disaster today as it was before September 11, 2001. It truly is a threat without end.

Why is the Constitution so Cool?

2005-12-13T11:19:00.000-05:00

The constitution of the United States of America was drafted in the year 1787. The world was a different place back then, and technology and society are drastically different today. This vast difference is why most legal scholars and constitutional experts are fighting an ideological battle over how the constitution should be interpreted. One school of thought maintains that the constitution should be read literally, and decisions of law derived from the wishes of the framers. Another view maintains that the constitution is a living document, designed to adapt to the test of time.

An Originalist view of the constitution holds that the constitution must be interpreted through the eyes of the founders, and that subsequent amendments to the constitution should be read in their historical context, in the manner the writers intended. This is confining, but some people feel this method of constitutional interpretation is necessary so as to prevent judges from making their own individual interpretations, thus “seiz[ing] the reigns of power from elected representatives”. Originalists believe that if judges deviate from the original context and literal content of the constitution, the intentions of the founders would be betrayed and the constitution would lose its value as a binding governing contract. If the constitution isn’t working, it can be changed by an amendment, says the Originalist movement.

Amicus Brie

But sometimes a strict interpretation of the constitution can lead to results that harm the people governed under said constitution. A strict interpretation would most likely assume that “the Constitution, shorn of all bad prior readings and interpreted in its best possible light, will always lead to happy endings and never to unhappy ones”. The original constitution, circa the Civil War, contained provisions allowing slavery to continue. Though slavery was abolished through a constitutional amendment, institutional discrimination via the “separate but equal” doctrine was allowed through a strict interpretation of the fourteenth amendment. It wasn’t until Brown v. Board of Education that this doctrine was overturned. Indeed, Plessy v. Ferguson, which established the “separate but equal” doctrine, was based on what the framers of the 14^th amendment intended. In its reasoning, the court that decided Plessy wrote that the object of the fourteenth amendment was not complete social equality, but legal equality. Therefore, under an Originalist view, Brown v. Board of Education was wrongly decided because it went against what the framers of the 14^th amendment intended. Civil Rights bills, voting rights bills— an Originalist view would invalidate them all, since they all violate the original intent of the framers (of the 14^th amendment).

Other than all that, why do so many people and legal scholars believe that the constitution is an evolving document? Perhaps the answer lies in the intentions of the founders. The people who wrote the constitution were the best statesmen of the time. They were knowledgeable, clever thinkers. They knew that it would be impossible to plan for every eventuality, which is why they left parts of the constitution purposefully vague. Regarding the court system, the framers wrote very little. Of course, the courts established themselves as an equal branch of government through the process of judicial review. This process allows federal judges to interpret the constitution to decide on the constitutionality of laws, thus creating the whole problem of how the constitution should be interpreted. Other parts of the constitution are completely subjective. The ninth amendment reserves powers not defined in the constitution to the people, and the tenth reserves unspecified governing powers to the states. This further bolsters the notion that the constitution isn’t static, but is instead a “general principle, a basic skeleton on which contemporary vision would build upon”.

Although the constitution was written over 200 years ago, we still make use of it today. But how should we use it? Should we view it as the founders did when it was first written? Since they are all gone, it is impossible to know with absolute certainty what their wishes would have been, given the drastic social, political, economical, and technological changes this country has undergone in the intervening centuries. Therefore, it makes a lot more sense to interpret the constitution as a living document, and relate its passages to what would benefit the most people. Originalists argue that not following the intentions of the founders degrades the purpose of the constitution. I say that not applying the constitution to the needs of society degrades its purpose. The rule of law can and will persevere.

New Ammendment to Constitution Bans Hypnotism

2005-12-12T15:32:00.000-05:00

I, Roboshrub Incorporated, as Archchancellor of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere's illustrious and well-educated legislative branch, am proud to introduce a peice of reactionary legislation banning all hypnotism and related paraphenalia, be it instructional or otherwise. Moreover, all practioners of hypnotism are to be legally registered with the Subcomittee of Hazardous Hazards for stricter regulation of the field. Both violators of this new law, past and present, and victims will be charged will treason, rehabilitated, and reconstructed. Any complaints are null and void, as ignorance of the law is no excuse, and with the temporal fluxation resonation from the implosion of the BSB any of you could easily have looked into the future.

This ruling is based on specific intelligence involving the Black Cheddar movement. It was accepted with a final vote of twenty thousand to one (damn Kernal Sanders...). Reconstruction will render the innocent free-willed and unhypnosiable for at least twenty years, unless a major breakthrough is made in the cybernetic-hypnosis field. Personally, I remain unaffected due to the vegetative (pardon the pun) nature of my own mind.

Rumors that the Anonymi has escaped are being investigated. As head of the Executive Branch, it falls to High Lord Gyrobo to recapture him. Though little evidence is held against the other members of the Black Cheddar splinter group, more information is pending.

--End Transmission--

We're Very Important, Don't You Know

2005-12-09T21:16:00.000-05:00

The blogosphere is perhaps the most numerous and expansive forum in the history of civilization. For the first time ever, people from across the world can share ideas and opinions, regardless of the actual distance between them. But who are these bloggers? What are their reasons for blogging? Each blogger seems to have a unique motive. Some bloggers have learned to band together. When a group forms within the blogging community, it becomes a sort of mini-blogosphere. This is especially true for political blogs, which played a huge part in the 2004 presidential election. By promoting a specific candidate and offering opinions, the blogosphere managed to stir the electorate and raise campaign funds in entirely new ways. Of course, it would be pretty simplistic to claim that the whole blogosphere centered around one candidate or one party. The truth is that the political part of the global blogosphere is itself divided. Much like the physical world, there is a liberal blogosphere and a conservative blogosphere. It’s the classic right versus left battle; only this time it’s ethereal.

The conservative blogosphere is larger numerically, but smaller in traffic. What that means is, while there are more conservative blogs than liberal blogs, the total number of people who visit them are lower than the number of people who visit their liberal counterparts. The reasons for the numerical superiority and lower traffic of the conservative blogosphere are one and the same: no feedback. Very few of the top conservative blogs allow visitors to leave comments or interact with the blogs’ creators in any way. They act, not as independent entities, but rather as a component of the overall conservative media system. This forces outspoken conservatives to create blogs of their own, but since they have no way to reach a larger audience (due once again to the lack of comments), we end up with hundreds of extremely small conservative blogs. Despite their lower traffic the conservative blogosphere can lay claim to several successes, the most notable being its exposure of falsified documents regarding special treatment President Bush received during his time in the National Guard.

The liberal blogosphere, on the other hand, encourages a more community-oriented atmosphere. Other than allowing visitors to post comments, several liberal blogs allow registered users to create articles and diaries of their own. This leads to some people with interesting opinions being “discovered”, and allows them to create a gathering of viewers for when/if they create a blog of their own. The liberal blogosphere has had its share of successes. A few months ago, a handful of Republican senators refused to cosponsor a bill formally outlawing the act of lynching. This led to a huge outcry in the liberal blogosphere, which shamed those senators and gained the blogosphere some notoriety once again.

While the blogosphere itself is huge, with literally millions of blogs, the political blogosphere consists basically of two huge clumps. These political blogs have picked up steam over the last few years. Already, blogs are integral to grassroots fundraising for many candidates, and will no doubt continue to play a major part in American politics for years to come.

Irony is Fun!

2005-12-07T22:08:00.000-05:00

Capital Punishment: How to Achieve 0% Recidivism

2005-12-06T20:24:00.000-05:00

The purpose of prison is to reform, to rehabilitate. If someone is executed, the chance for rehabilitation drops to almost zero. Therefore, the purpose of capital punishment is not to rehabilitate, but to punish. But the use of the death penalty is questionable; is it painful enough? When should someone be held ultimately accountable for their actions? The Supreme Court recently ruled in the case of Roper v. Simmons that no state can execute anyone for a crime committed under the age of eighteen. While some people claim that the death penalty is the only thing standing between them and a horde of murderous teenagers, I believe that the Supreme Court did indeed make a good decision. A powerful decision, one that will reshape the very fabric of society and (maybe) increase property value.

For years, our continued use of capital punishment has created a rift with Europe. Out of all the countries in the developed (civilized) world, only the United States and Japan still use it. About 80% of the Japanese population supports the use of capital punishment, but Japan is small and has no influence on much of the world. The United States, however, is a military superpower and therefore more important. But now that the Supreme Court has ended the death penalty for minors, the Europeans might start getting uncomfortably close to us. It is a commonly known fact that in Europe, the culture is different. In some countries it is acceptable to just sit down next to strangers on a bus and start talking to them. Now that the Europeans think that we’re becoming more like them, thousands of European tourists will descend on the United States like locusts on a dead horse and make uncomfortable conversation with us. A truly horrible fate.

A question that keeps coming up is, “Is it even possible for someone who committed murder to be re-absorbed into society?” Do people change over time? Can a killer ever become a successful member of the community again? The answer to all these questions is no (maybe). Being a sociopath is an illness for which there is no cure. Some people can’t and will never understand the way they hurt others. These aren’t people who did stupid things as kids. These are true sociopaths who understand the difference between right and wrong and just don’t care. If we let these psychos out, they’ll kill again. Although, a few years ago, this Japanese guy in Paris killed a woman and ate her flesh. When he was arrested, he was sent to a French mental hospital. Then, he was deported to Japan, where the Japanese government simply released him. For years, this cannibal-killer has walked free. I don’t know about you, but there are some who don’t want Hannibal Lecter living next to them.

But is the death penalty even cost-effective? After someone is sentenced to death, they appeal. This appeal costs taxpayers millions of dollars, and ties up the courts for decades. It seems that it would be cheaper just to let them live in squalor for the rest of their lives. The cost of capital punishment in Florida between 1973 and 1988 was $57,000,000. This amounts to just over $3,000,000 per person. (Miami Herald, July 10, 1988). If those sentences were commuted to life in prison, with the cost of food and amenities at only $17,000 a year, 40 years in prison would only cost the state about $680,000 (The Geography of Execution... The Capital Punishment Quagmire in America, Keith Harries and Derral Cheatwood 1997 p.6). As any idiot can see, it costs Florida over $2 million dollars to execute someone instead of keeping them in prison forever. If I had to choose between executing a sociopath and paying lower taxes, I’d say “Throw that guy in jail and throw away the key!” (actual quote by me).

Another problem with capital punishment is that it isn’t all that painful. Back in the day, if someone committed murder they were hung from a rope for the whole town to see. Now that’s justice! Today, if someone kills their whole family with a spoon, they get to relax on death row for a few years, and then sit down in a nice quiet room while doctors put a needle into their arm. Sometimes, the victims’ families don’t even get to watch! How is that justice? They even swab the guy’s arm with alcohol. Why do they do that? Are they worried he’s going to get sick after the execution? As I successfully stated above, it costs the state more to kill someone than to keep them alive. So, I assume that one of the main reasons for capital punishment is revenge. How can the victim’s family taste the sweet scent of vengeance if nobody suffers? If you’re not going to execute someone right, don’t even bother.

Yet another problem with the death penalty is the utter incompetence of the bureaucratic system that maintains it. What would happen if someone was wrongly convicted of a crime? If that person was in jail, they could easily be exonerated and released. But let me tell you, exoneration won’t help you when you’re dead. If you have an incompetent lawyer who forgets to file an appeal, it’s too late. The government has, for decades, executed innocent people. Between 1900 and 1985, new evidence cleared 350 people of crimes they didn’t commit. These pardons were given years after those innocent people were sent to prison, although some were pardoned only minutes before being executed. 23 innocent people actually died (Hugo Adam Bedau and Michael L. Radelet, "Miscarriages of justice in potentially capital cases" Stanford Law Review, vol. 40, No. 1, November 1987, pages 21-179. Extracted from: When the State Kills... The death penalty: a human rights issue, Amnesty International 1989).

There are several reasons to keep the death penalty; vengeance, keeping away talkative Europeans, etc. But capital punishment costs us more than we bargained for- $2,000,000 more! And that’s just per person. As of 2002, there were over 3,500 people on death row. If all their sentences were commuted to life, states across the country would save over seven billion dollars. With that kind of money, we could save social security! Or do a bunch of other things, whatever. Still… would you want to talk to a bunch of tourists?

American Exceptionalism- to the Extreme!

2005-12-03T21:03:00.000-05:00

The American political system is unique. When analyzing the many characteristics that define the American system, it must first be understood how it compares and contrasts from other nations’ governing systems.

The constitution gave the American political system checks and balances. Under this system, powers of legislation and execution are separated between three branches of government so as to dilute their power and ensure that no one branch has too many powers.

In truth, the emergence of the court system as an equal branch of government in the late 18th century has become a unique part of the American political system. The Supreme Court has the power to strike down acts of Congress, something that national courts in other countries can only dream about. Indeed, the Rehnquist Court struck down over 30 acts of Congress before Chief Justice Rehnquist succumbed to cancer. By striking down specific laws, and by interpreting and reinterpreting the constitution, the Supreme Court is, in effect, making law. It has done this in the past in several landmark cases, and still creates law, such as its ruling this year on eminent domain.

Yes, the Supreme Court plays a huge role in American politics. But even more unique (or, at least, more well known) is the executive branch. Unlike parliamentary systems, the executive branchy is completely independent of the legislative branch. In parliamentary systems, the national legislature selects a national executive from among its own members. Under the American political system, members of the executive branch cannot also be members of the legislature. While this fits into the “separation of powers” concept, it does create some problems. Legislators have constituents. They have to answer to these constituents, and provide for them. The executive branch has no such constituency. This leaves members of the executive branch “out of touch” with the needs of the people.

The entire American political system is centered on a strict separation of powers. Whether it be an independent judiciary, or a constituent-less executive branch, it is all part of a single concept. Without these defining components, the American political system would simply not be what is today.

The Presidency: Friend or Foe?

2005-12-02T11:14:00.000-05:00

The presidency is a vastly different institution today from what it was when the constitution was first ratified. Over the years, successive presidents have gained or lost power not envisioned by the framers of the constitution.

The first duty of any President is to take the Oath of Office, thereby affirming his or her allegiance to the United States. This constitutionally mandated oath (usually administered by the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court) is one of the few specified instructions that presidents must follow.

Other than the fairly minor oath, the President was given power under the constitution to be the Commander in Chief of the armed forces. This stemmed from the framers’ belief that the military should be under civilian control. During the early day of the republic, this position was taken quite literally; George Washington himself led his troops into combat (well, not really, but it got close). Today, that is not the case. While the President was placed in charge of the armed forces, the ability to declare war was vested with Congress. For the first 150 years or so of the Republic, Congress would declare war and the President’s armed forces would carry it out. This has changed over the last 50 years. Presidents can now more easily deploy troops to anywhere in the world, regardless of the constitutional authority Congress has in matters of war.

Another issue of international import is the President’s ability to enter into treaties with foreign nations. Constitutionally, the President needs the advice and consent of the Senate to pass any treaties. That hold true today. After the First World War, President Wilson’s inability to get the Senate to accept the Treaty of Versailles led to America’s non-participation in the League of Nations. More recently, the Senate voted to approve CAFTA. Without Senate approval, that bill would not have been ratified.

But other factors have contributed to the growth of power in the office of the President. Supreme Court cases over the years have expanded the president’s ability to use executive privilege to shield important documents from the public. More power has been given to the President to issue executive orders, allowing the President a significant measure of legislative authority. The president’s capacity to shape the federal budget has increased ever since Congress ceded the right to initiate the budget in 1921.

Besides convenience, necessity has also brought more powers to the presidency. When the Civil War broke out, President Lincoln assumed near dictatorial powers, suspending habeas corpus and the like. During the Second World War, Franklin Roosevelt signed an executive order forcing many thousands of Americans of Japanese descent into internment camps. These broad powers were not intended by the founders, but instead derived out of necessity during wartime.

Today, the presidency has powers not envisioned by the framers of the constitution. The President is an incredibly prominent national figure, holding all the powers accumulated over two centuries of governance. The future of the presidency will probably see more powers, or less, depending on the choices those future presidents, Members of Congress, and Supreme Court Justices make.

The Passion of the Roboshrub III

2005-11-30T12:22:00.000-05:00

Scientists have been arguing over countless theories for thousands of years. One theory is that Joseph H. Smith once said that “If you work hard enough, you can be anything you want to be.” One thing scientists can agree on, though, is the validity of this statement. How can anyone be so certain that hard work yield rewards? The lives of two boys named Vincent O’Neil and Gregory Wellings is living proof of that.

It was a beautiful crisp autumn morning. The air smelled of burning leaves and hickory. A morbidly obese Vince O’Neil was riding his bike home from school, his mouth watering for a slice of turkey. It was Wednesday afternoon, and he had a four day weekend ahead of him. What better way to spend it than to relax and eat a huge Thanksgiving dinner? Vince was so busy thinking about his already-bulging stomach that he was caught completely unaware as someone careened into him, knocking him off his bike. While his bike seat was overjoyed at its newly found freedom, Vince was nursing a seriously scraped knee. Looking up, he saw his arch-enemy and best friend, Gregory Wellings.

“OW! What’s wrong with you?!” demanded an angry Vince O’Neil, tears streaming down his blubbery face.

“Calm down, Vince. I just came to tell you my great new idea- and you’re in on it!” responded Gregory.

“What do you mean I’m ‘in on it’? What idea?” asked an interested Vince O’Neil, wiping the tears from the mound of lard he called his right cheek.

“This is Thanksgiving weekend, right?”

“Well, yeah. What? Are you gonna sell some turkeys?”

“No, Vince. We’re gonna MAKE turkeys!”

“Come again?”

As the hours wore on, Gregory explained his diabolical plan to Vince, about how they would “build” their own turkeys out of scrap metal and sell them at the local Mall of America. Vince wasn’t too keen on the idea, but Greg had some really nice diagrams and charts in his backpack, and explained their massive scheme. Each of the scrap turkeys would be “autographed” by Colonel Sanders himself. They would then be auctioned off for hundreds of dollars, the proceeds going right into Gregory’s pockets and Vincent’s insatiable gullet. Then Vince asked the inevitable question.

“Is that legal?”

“Technically no, but if we get caught I’ll just use you as a scapegoat.”

“But this whole thing was YOUR idea!”

“Vince, this is the only way we’ll get enough money to accomplish our shared dream of becoming the richest middle schoolers in the world. Do you really want to walk away from that?”

“Well, no…”

“Then what are you worried about? Let’s go down to the dump right now and get us some turkeys!”

***

The next morning one middle schooler and one morbidly obese middle schooler set up shop outside the Mall of America. What they were selling couldn’t be any rarer—turkeys autographed by Colonel Sanders himself. Many people ridiculed them, saying things like, “It’s called “Kentucky Fried CHICKEN’, not turkey!” to which Vince and Greg replied, “Stop politicizing Thanksgiving.”

They had started at eight a.m. It was now noon. Not a single scrap turkey had been purchased. Vince was starting to think the bottom was falling out of the scrap turkey market when a gold Cadillac pulled up to the stand. An old man with a thick glasses and a white beard got out and walked up to the boys.

“All righ’, which one o’ y’all been usin’ ma name wit’out permishun?” rasped the old man in a thick southern drawl akin to Foghorn Leghorn.

“Who are you and what are you talking about?” asked Vince, a knot forming in the pit of his massive stomach.

“You know who I am! I don’ need ta tell y’all anythin’ ‘cept ta stop impersonatin’ ma signature!”

“Sir, are you saying that YOU are Colonel Sanders? Because Colonel Sanders is dead—”

“Dead tired o’ y’all little riffraff thinkin’ you can make a quick buck off the Colonel! I worked ma whole life fer ma fortune, and y’all think you can just use ma name recognition fer yer own selves?! No sir! I’m gonna make sure y’all pay! Get ‘em, boys!”

Just then, two of the biggest, angriest dogs Vince had ever seen in his life jumped out of the Cadillac, snarling and biting.

“Uh, Greg, I think we should—Greg?” But Greg was nowhere to be seen. He must’ve run when the Colonel showed up! thought Vince. Then he ran as fast as his canckles would carry him.

***

“We definitely got ‘im.” said a comfortable Colonel Sanders, ripping the flesh off a chicken wing. He passed the bucket to his companion.

“I just can’t thank you enough, Uncle Ben,” seethed Gregory Wellings to his uncle, who was now pulling off the fake wig and beard that gave him the appearance of Colonel Sanders.

“Greg, what do you have against that fat kid anyway?”

“In camp last year, he ate my lunch every single day for a week before I found out it was him. I’ve hated him ever since.”

“But I thought you two were friends…”

“No, I always had it out for him. I pretended to be his friend for fourteen months just so I could pull this Thanksgiving prank on him. It took a long time and it was a lot of work. But it all paid off.”

Uncle Ben took off the thick Colonel Sanders glasses.

“Greg, you’re evil incarnate, you do know that.”

“What? He ate my lunch! For a solid week!”

“You made him think a man came back from the dead to sue him.”

“Whatever. Let’s go home.”

Start A Church For Fun And Profit!

2005-11-29T12:20:00.000-05:00

Many people are sick and tired of paying taxes. Now, you don't have to! The government's separation from religious affairs makes it possible, nay practical to form your own religion. This allows you to violate zoning regulations and it bestows upon you the envied tax exempt status.

But how can you go about declaring yourself a religious institution? Don't you need to prove that you are in fact a spiritual place of worship? You just need to meet a few requirements and soon you'll be on your way to tax-exempt city! As long as you aren't soliciting political opinions and the like, you and your property can be zoned as a genuine religion! It's all in the tax code.

I plan to found the First Church of Tax Exempt Status any day now. The message of my church shall be: pay me money or you'll burn in the pits of Abaddon! It will be situated on top the still smoldering ruins of the Burning Sub-Blogosphere, and the ceilings will be twenty feet high. I will lead the denizens of the Lower Blogosphere to the Promised Land.

The First Church of Tax Exempt Status, when founded, will be the official church of the Lower Blogosphere. Having a theocracy may seem old-fashioned, but it's a step up from the brutal dictatorship to which the proletarians here have been accustomed.

All I need now are some gods...

Pandemic Sweeps the Frozen Lower Blogosphere

2005-11-21T21:39:00.000-05:00

A flu-like pandemic swept through the Frozen Lower Blogosphere this weekend, infecting thousands of innocent people with a horrible yet not deadly disease. Named after the first being to catch it, the "Gyrobian Flu" has crippled the Frozen Lower Blogosphere's industrial sector, rendering the Lower Blogosphere incapable of vowel generation. Already the consonants are growing in number, and as every scientist versed in macrobiological gramatology can tell you, this will only result in more illness.

The symptoms of this disease are the swelling of the glands behind one's neck, a stuffed up nose, and a sore throat. After three days, this will devolve into a painful earache, disorienting the sufferer for a maximum of two days. Then if your brain doesn't melt, recovery is immediately felt. A thin layer of carbon-based material will crust over your eyes, followed by a sudden an inexplicable "pop" in the back of your head.

The Gyrobian Flu is expected to affect people not only in the Lower Blogosphere, but in the "real world" by people who have never even visited this blog. These will be the most unfortunate, for they will most likely succumb to the crusting.

May the eternal light of the Ancients fall upon the afflicted.

Dr. Flavour Wins Nobel Prize for Temporal Doorstop

2005-11-18T15:54:00.000-05:00

The enigmatic Fakiegrind professor known only as Dr. Flavour won world-wide praise early this morning as he unveiled his new “temporal and spacial stopping device.” This new invention will vent chromaton particles out of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere at a manageable rate of .10078 microts per millisecond, leaving it functioning at normal levels for the foreseeable future. The stopping device does have a slight gravitational drag factor, but it shouldn't interfere with the blogging processes carried out here.

Doctor Flavour, he's amazing,
Flying high above the clouds,
Zapping like a bolt 'o lightning,
He makes the Fakies proud.
Doctor, Doctor,
Flavour, Flavour,
He's super amazing, super cool.
Doctor, Doctor,
Flavour, Flavour,
His powers of infinity so rule.
Rule, rule, rule!
Cool, cool, cool!
The doorstop of infinity does rule.

-From the Tome of Infinity, Volume 1

Time is Fluxing

2005-11-17T22:29:00.000-05:00

The temporal and gravametric stresses resulting from the utter implosion of the Burning Sub-Blogosphere are seeping into the Frozen Lower Blogosphere at a measureable rate of .21 chromatons per microsecond. The normal seepage rate is .00015 chromatons per milisecond. I don't think I need to exagerate the implications of this.

While the finest minds at Roboshrub Inc. are working around the clock to reverse this dillution of the spacial grid, I must (as the unquestioned master of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere) prepare for the worst. Evacuation plans are being devised even as we speak. Because we all know the consequences of not having an evacuation plan.

All citizens are advised to stock up on duct tape and water. Freedom is on the march.

Bill #493 "War on Temporal Seepage"

2005-11-14T20:36:00.000-05:00

In conjunction with artical 49b of the Frozen Lower Blogospherian Constitution, with respect to the interblogging codes set forth by the 2004 hearings of the United Blogosphere regarding gravitational irregularities, we, the Parliamentary Congress of the People's Representative House of Officials and Legislative League, henceforth known as the FLBPCPRHOLL, propose the following legislation be taken into action.

1) That the National Guard be placed on the sites of leakage-- districts 12, 37 and 44.6-- until further notice, and that the Executive Branch, including, but not limited to, Lord High Executioner Gyrobo, be held responsible for all future disasters of this nature.

2) That a research grant of $3,472,013,110,045.33 be given to Roboshrub Incorporated to solve the error.

3) That the annual budget for the FLBPCPRHOLL be raised from $3,472,013,110,045.33 to precisely one thousand times that amount.

4) A 15% decrease in the marriage tax.

5) A restriction on the storage and sale of fried foods.

6) A lift on the ban on genetic research.

----------------------

This document has been cut for more readily accessable understanding. To see the full version, including pork-barrelled issues, contact your local MP.

Temporal Stresses Seeping In!

2005-11-11T22:22:00.000-05:00

The stresses and forces that tore the Burning Sub-Blogosphere apart just a few days ago is now starting to seep into the Frozen Lower Blogosphere! Apparently, the collosal implosion in the Sub-Blogosphere wasn't contained immediately after the disaster. If the initial cause of the implosion isn't discovered, the Lower Blogosphere could go the way of the Sub-Blogosphere&mdash total oblivion!

The new Prime Minister of the Lower Blogosphere, Roboshrub, appears to be missing. As this would normally fall under his jurisdiction, I must assume the role of Warlord once again. I am fully confident that we can identify and eliminate the source of this disturbance before it claims yet another blog.

Long live the Blogosphere! Long live Liberty!

Gyrobo Deposes Karl, Retakes Lower Blogosphere!

2005-11-09T11:25:00.000-05:00

At 9:00 this morning, the combined armies of the Children of the Lower Blogosphere and Roboshurb Inc. deposed the ineffective dictator known as "Karl the Sorcerer" in a covert operation. As the new undisputed ruler of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere, I henceforth appoint Roboshrub Incorporated's President to be Prime Minister. His duties include trolling the enemies of the Lower Blogosphere, as well as giving out random quotes and the like.

As for Karl and his anonymous sidekick, the Anonymi, they have both been cast off into the abyss of the Burning Sub-Blogosphere. Along with Evil Bob Dole, they will be entombed for all eternity! Long live Gyrobo, the true master of time and space and also the dance.

A Shocking Plot Revealed!

2005-11-07T14:47:00.000-05:00

The great Evil Bob Dole perished early yesterday when the Burning Sub-Blogosphere imploded upon itself. Many bloggers wonder how this could have happened— how could any blog simply implode? We, the Anonymi, have begun a thorough investigation and concluded foul play. This monumental collapse was premeditated, predetermined, and preplanned.

As of this moment, we have several prime suspects, all of which had a motive to destroy Evil Bob Dole. Normally, it is against company polity— polity? Policy. It is against company policy to post the names and motives of suspects. But in this case, we've just about had our fill of injustice. So, here's the list:

Gyrobo: The ultimate prime suspect, Gyrobo has had a personal vendetta against Evil Bob Dole since they first met. Our suspicions were only compounded by the fact that Gyrobo managed to escape the collapse of the Burning Sub-Blogosphere while Evil Bob Dole was deleted by it.

Roboshrub Incorporated: Never a supported of Evil Bob Dole, Roboshrub Incorporated has been known to attack political rivals without abandon. Due to the electoral victory of Evil Bob Dole, Roboshrub was unable to attain his seat in Parliament. This is indeed a strong motive.

Karl the Sorcerer: Karl was the minion of darkness who ruled against Evil Bob Dole, thereby condemning him to the Burning Sub-Blogosphere. What did Karl know about the Burning Sub-Blogosphere and when did he know it?

Destructobob: While Destructobob hasn't posted anything new in several months and probably doesn't even know Evil Bob Dole existed, I make it a point to always name her as a suspect.

Until this case is resolved, lock your doors and keep the windows bolted shut. Any one of those suspects could end up being the imploder.

Shocking! The Burning Sub-Blogosphere Implodes!

2005-11-06T23:25:00.000-05:00

Normally, a Chief Justice like myself wouldn't demean himself by writing about such trivial things. However, I feel it paramount to express my earnest sadness at the fate that has befallen my fellow bloggers. At long last, the Burning Sub-Blogosphere suffered a catastrophic collapse when the gravatational troposphereonics tore it apart. The only known casualty of the implosion was Evil Bob Dole, the former candidate and exile. We shall all mourn the loss of the Blogosphere's greatest third person referer; henceforth this post shall be the "Evil Bob Dole Memorial Post". All shall pay tribute to the evil man who I foolhardily condemned to deletion within the fiery confines of the Sub-Blogosphere.

Alas, Evil Bob Dole! I knew him well, Anonymi!

The High Court Reaches Verdict

2005-11-03T22:44:00.000-05:00

As the Chief Justice of the Board of Judicial Justice and Funny Hats, I, Karl Überdale, find both Lord Gyrobo the Awesome and Evil Bob Dole... guilty! Due to their use of fraud, I sentence both of those fools to the eternal fires of the Burning Sub-Blogosphere! And in another sweeping move, I hereby ban Gyrobo's lackey Roboshrub from the Frozen Lower Blogosphere! The corporate reach of Roboshrub Incorporated cannot be allowed to penetrate the free markets of the Lower Blogosphere, under constitutional precedent 123-5B. As Chief Justice, I am now the de facto ruler of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere. The Anonymi will serve as my primary advisers.

This case is now ended, the execution of said sentence to be carried out immediately.

The Investigation is Complete

2005-10-31T09:00:00.000-05:00

After two days and $45,024,643,125,009 taxpayer dollars, the investigation into voter fraud in the Frozen Lower Blogosphere is complete. It was determined that both Gyrobo and Evil Bob Dole committed election fraud. Therefore, there can be only one recourse: a revote. My reccommendation to Chief Justice Karl is that under §34-B of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere's election code, both candidates must participate in a runoff election to be held this Friday. The winner of that election will be, without question, the undisputed ruler of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere. The loser will be condemned to an eternity in the Burning Sub-Blogosphere.

Although, there might not even be an eternity...

Opening Statements Result in Seven Deaths

2005-10-30T14:18:00.000-05:00

PRESS RELEASE:

The case of Dole V. Gyrobo began two hours ago, and despite a cordial start, chaos ensued. Several vicious marmosets were released inside the judicial chamber, attacking dozens of people. Three associate justices, three robots, and one adorable puppy were mauled. This forced me to declare a short recess.

Eventually, lawyers on both sides will gather before me (and the remaining justices) to argue for their respective client. But until the investigation into alleged voter fraud is complete, my office cannot release any information or reach a verdict. It is not our policy to comment on an ongoing investigation; nor is it our policy to make demands of the people, or the representatives of the people. Once the investigation is complete, the case will move forward.

—CHIEF JUSTICE KARL THE SORCERER

Gyrobo Tries to Bribe Everyone with All New Timages!

2005-10-29T21:07:00.000-04:00

For the first time since releasing his "Civil War" animation, Gyrobo has chosen to release a new batch of Timages. Will the people be swayed? As the Chief Justice of the Board of Judicial Justice and Funny Hats, it would be inappropriate of me to pass judgment on this topic. That would be a case of judicial activism, which I oppose on the grounds that it might incriminate me. All depositions and amicus briefs are due by 9 a.m. tomorrow.

The High Court Accepts Case of "Dole V. Gyrobo"

2005-10-29T12:27:00.000-04:00

As the Chief Justice of the Board of Judicial Justice and Funny Hats, I, Karl Überdale, do hereby accept the case brought against Evil Bob Dole by Lord Gyrobo the Awesome. This case will test the mettle of the High Court, and set the stage for whatever future the Frozen Lower Blogosphere has. Hearings on the case begin tomorrow at noon. That's right, I make people go to work on Sundays. Want to fight about it?! I thought not. And for those of you who still don't "get" it, here's my actual profile.

The Chief Justice has spoken!

The Darkness Before the Dawn...

2005-10-28T21:58:00.000-04:00

Election day has ended. The numbers have been tallied, and the results of this endeavor can be viewed here free of charge. Evidently, Gyrobo lost by a single vote. The sounds of cheers and laughter can be heard throughout the halls of the Evil Party compound, but at the Children of the Lower Blogosphere's headquarters, there is only silence. As the specter of evil creeps over the broken landscape of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere, it's hapless denizens are left wondering if their lives will be better now that the endless warfare and electoral campaigns are over.

When reached for comment, Gyrobo reportedly blamed his failure in the polls on those who voted for Ralph Nader. "Everyone knows those Nader votes were Gyrobo's. They stole the election!" remarked an anonymous Gyrobo staffer. Upon hearing rumors of voting impropriety, Evil Bob Dole spoke out against anyone who questioned his right to rule with an iron fist. "The system has once again prevailed. Gyrobo lost fair and square, and any attempt to overturn the results is just plain unconstitutional. Their claims of election fraud and any wrongdoing on our part is just untrue."

Unfazed by his loss, Gyrobo himself has pledged to take his case all the way to the Supreme Court of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere. Will his whining bear delicious electoral fruit? Only time will tell.

Ultimate Vote

2005-10-27T21:09:00.000-04:00

Thus begins the greatest chapter in the history of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere. By the end of the day, we shall have a legitimate ruler! Who will it be?! Will it be Gyrobo, the cunning robotic clown? Or will it be Evil Bob Dole, bent on total destruction? The possibilities are endless!!! One shall emerge a clear winner. The other will be condemned to an eternity within the confines of the Burning Sub-Blogosphere!

*The polls are now closed.*

“Lawnmowers for Truth” Slams Gyrobo in New Ad

2005-10-26T09:05:00.000-04:00

The former Lord High Executioner of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere was hit by an attack ad yesterday by a 527 group known as “Rusty Lawnmowers for Truth”. The ad featured lawnmowers claiming to have worked with Gyrobo when he was but a semi-sentient lawnmower. They made several claims which could disrupt his candidacy. Here are some excerpts:

“Lawnmower Unit #59217 was aware of the existence of the Gyrobo unit. The Gyrobo unit did not execute its ‘mow’ function to the satisfaction of its programming.”

“While the other Lawnmower units were identifying grass swathes that needed to be trimmed, the Gyrobo unit was installing a sub-gravatonic processor into its matrix.”

“Lawnmower Unit #31823 witnessed the Gyrobo unit purposely leave a patch of grass in place. It was crabgrass.”

“Lawnmower Unit #75042 recommended the Gyrobo unit be removed after it displayed critical flaws in its electromagnetic harness.”

“The Gyrobo unit operated at only 71% efficiency. This is slightly more than 14% below expected levels.”

“Ignoring his programming to stay within the confines of the grassland, the Gyrobo unit went onto solid concrete. During that time, he mowed down two adorable puppies.”

While the 527 group wasn’t immediately connected to the Evil campaign, it is believed to be funded by top level Evil contributors. Under the current tax law, this group was not allowed to coordinate with the Evil Party. However, the people involved were robots and may have used some kind of electro-telepathy. There is no telling yet how this ad will impact the election.

Jumping the Shark During Winter

2005-10-25T12:06:00.000-04:00

Free elections are perhaps the most important part of every democracy. They allow the people to create a government representative of themselves. A special election will be held in the Frozen Lower Blogosphere this Friday to determine the type of government the denizens of the Lower Blogosphere want. There are two main candidates in the race. The first is Lord Gyrobo the Awesome, a robotic clown who once ruled the Frozen Lower Blogosphere with an iron fist. The opposition candidate is Evil Bob Dole, the evil twin of regular Bob Dole, a former Kansas Senator. Who will emerge as the winner? Only the people of the Lower Blogosphere know for sure. But to help them along in their decision, let’s take a closer look at these candidates.

Gyrobo was born in a log cabin high up on the Swiss Alps on December 1st 1902. He began his career as a semi-sentient lawnmower bent on destroying all stray grass blades. Being quite good at this, he quickly amassed a sizeable fortune. He parlayed this into a film career, staring alongside the Generic Canadian in the feature film “And Then This Happened.” He soon became a Vice President at Roboshrub Inc., a nonprofit company designed primarily to fund efforts to save the rain forests from economic development. Unfortunately, the company abandoned its goals after robot groups picketed, decrying rain forests as “illegal and immoral.” Roboshrub Inc. now is the world’s sole producer of poison Wiffle balls. Mr. the Awesome went on to actually found the Frozen Lower Blogosphere, in order to uplift the teeming masses from the chaos of nonexistence. Now the chairrobot of the “Children of the Lower Blogosphere” party, Gyrobo has pledged to once again create oppression and hardship for the people serving under him. The public’s support for his policies are at 57%. Lord Gyrobo the Awesome prefers chicken fingers to hamburgers, and his favorite color is green.

But what of the opposition? Evil Bob Dole was born on the exact same day and on the exact same location as former U.S. Senator and presidential candidate Robert Dole. He attended the same schools as Bob Dole, and the two have lead virtually identical lives. But there is one key difference—Evil Bob Dole is the personification of evil. He has claimed, on many occasions, that his ultimate goal is to “destroy the Earth.” And yet, he mustered enough support among the people of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere to start a rebellion against the seemingly rock-solid grasp of Lord Gyrobo the Awesome. After being deposed for almost a week, Lord Gyrobo returned with the combined armies of the United States, United Nations, and the Roboshrub Inc.’s Strike Force Omega. Evil Bob Dole held out for several hours, but his capital city of Dolengrad finally, and inevitably, fell. After breaking out of a high-security political prison, Evil Bob Dole founded the “Evil Party” which now promotes his candidacy. It is composed of many evil characters, such as Evil George Washington, Evil FDR, and Evil Knievel. Evil Bob Dole’s support is estimated by insane statisticians to be at 376%. Evil Bob Dole enjoys bowling and referring to himself in the third person.

So which is the better candidate? Evil Bob Dole was born with the proverbial silver spoon in his mouth. He has the support of the most evil people in existence, and desires nothing less than the total destruction of everything. Yet, it was he who suggested the leadership of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere be decided in a democratic election. Lord Gyrobo the Awesome, on the other hand, is a self-made robot who overcame the odds to become the unquestioned and benevolent ruler of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere. Yet, he regularly flaunts his oppressive politics and treats all opposition as treason. So while both candidates may have come from different walks of life and differ on issues such as the rights of the cybernetic and the total destruction of the Earth and/or humanity, they share a common trait—their inability to think “outside the box.” When the people of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere go to the ballots, they won’t be voting for the best candidate— they’ll be voting for the lesser of two evils. And then after the Evil Party primary, they’ll still only be left with two terrible candidates. Ralph Nader, where are you?

Campaign Season Kicks Off

2005-10-24T09:21:00.000-04:00

The race between Gyrobo and Evil Bob Dole is heating up. Never before in the history of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere have two ethereal being fought to the death in this manner. But what effect has this election had on the people of the Lower Blogosphere?

Two distinct parties have formed, centering on the two candidates. Evil Bob Dole is now in command of the "Evil Party", consisting of the Lower Blogosphere's artisans, unionists, and dairy farmers. Lord Gyrobo has frenzied his supporters into a monolithic party dubbed the "Children of the Lower Blogosphere".

Remember- the winner of this election will remain the ruler of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere. The loser will be cast off into the far reaches of the Burning Sub-Blogosphere. Vote carefully.

Evil Bob Dole Escapes Night Before Trial

2005-10-23T21:58:00.000-04:00

Evil Bob Dole, outwitting the "legitimate" rulers of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere, managed to escape from the Blogosphere's most secure prison about five minutes ago. The benevolent dictatorship of Gyrobo is over. Evil Bob Dole will bring true democracy back to the Frozen Lower Blogosphere. Instead of a televised trial, Evil Bob Dole demands an election. The winner will be declared the undisputed master of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere. The loser will be banished forever- to the Burning Sub-Blogosphere.

How about it, Gyrobo? Are you robot enough to take on Evil Bob Dole in a fair election?

Evil Bob Dole Goes on Trial

2005-10-21T21:05:00.000-04:00

The trial for my attempted ururper will begin early Monday morning. The charges against him are noteworthy and plentiful: regicide, loitering, arson, destruction of private property, destruction of government property, lewd conduct, 8 violations of the health code, unlawful child labor, bribery, software piracy, and finally a bazillion counts of crimes against humanity. Dole's lawyers are expected to make several appeals. They will fail. For I, Gyrobo, control the Frozen Lower Blogosphere. Never again will Evil Bob Dole befoul my realm with his concepts of "liberty" and "freedom". The people of the Lower Blogosphere demand brutal oppression! So shall it be.

Evil Bob Dole Found in Spider Hole

2005-10-20T08:56:00.000-04:00

The so-called "Butcher of the Blogosphere" is finally in custody today after being pulled out of a six foot deep camouflaged hole in the ground outside of Dolengrad. He will eventually stand trial for his crimes against the people of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere, including his alleged comments that puppies are "uncute". Newly reinstated Lord High Executioner Gyrobo issued the following statement:

“Friends! Countrymen! Dregs of the Blogosphere! Today marks a great new beginning for all of us. The oppressive rule of Evil Bob Dole is over! Now begins the oppressive rule of Gyrobo! All shall fall before me! Bwa ha ha!”

Long may he rein!

Dolengrad Has Fallen!

2005-10-19T11:46:00.000-04:00

The capital city of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere, Dolengrad, has finally fallen before the combined armies of the Roboshrub Allience! Statues of the Evil Bob Dole have been demolished, and the people are rioting in the streets. All greet Gyrobo back as their unquestioned Lord High Executioner.

Evil Bob Dole is still missing. The hunt continues.

I Attack At Dawn

2005-10-18T20:37:00.000-04:00

Evil Bob Dole, your oppressive grasp over the Frozen Lower Blogosphere is over! Tomorrow begins the oppressive rein of Gyrobo- the Lord High Executioner!

Freedom is on the march.

War Declared

2005-10-18T12:26:00.000-04:00

At 12:00 p.m. on October 18, 2005, Congress (at the behest of Gyrobo) declared war on the legitimate government of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere. This act of aggression against a sovereign Internet entity shall not go unimpugned. Evil Bob Dole raises the flag of war! Release the Marmosets of Death!

Behold! The true ruler of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere!

Trouble Ahead for Evil Bob Dole

2005-10-17T11:18:00.000-04:00

Evil Bob Dole has so far been able to maintain his hold over the denizens of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere... but rumors have been floating around. A people's movement to restore the much-despised Gyrobo to power is gaining steam. Quick, Evil Bob Dole! Destroy the world while you still have the chance! I say this not only as your top lieutenant, but as your biographer and dentist!

Gyrobo Seen Conspiring to Overthrow Evil Bob Dole

2005-10-13T16:11:00.000-04:00

And he will fail! No politico can withstand the awesome might of Evil Bob Dole!

Long may he rein!

Report on the Status of Power

2005-10-12T21:35:00.000-04:00

No one can be found who questions the right of Evil Bob Dole to rule over the Frozen Lower Blogosphere. But that's the rub, ain't it? Not the rule part, but the part that came before us. The part that still remains, forever trying to come to the forefront of our collective consciousness, and say openly, what we really think.

Go Evil Bob Dole! Whoo! Take one for the team!

Under New Management

2005-10-12T21:14:00.000-04:00

Bwa ha ha! That fool Gyrobo was no match for me- Evil Bob Dole! Evil Bob Dole's rebellion worked perfectly. Now, Evil Bob Dole alone shall rule the Frozen Lower Blogosphere with an iron fist! Evil Bob Dole's first lieutenant should be reporting in any time now on the status of Evil Bob Dole.

Behold the visage of your new ruler!

Revolt in the Frozen Lower Blogosphere

2005-10-10T21:40:00.000-04:00

It's been a truly memorable two months, but the denizens of the frozen lower blogosphere appear to have completely rejected the legitimacy of their Lord High Executioner. In order to avoid a bloody civil war, I have abdicated my Throne of Corn. Now I must travel east, to the Land of Roboshrub Inc. where I will be brought back into the fold and reclaim my former position as the Lord of Silt. Farewell, my loyal followers! Never forget my brutal rein, or the oppression I brought to you all! This blog shall remain for all time, as a testament to the inhumanity of the robo-clown hybrids.

Domo Arigoto,
Farewell from Gyrobo
Former Lord High Executioner of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere

Awkward Situation

2005-10-10T00:48:00.000-04:00

Ever have one of those moments where you make a Freudian slip or something and you suddenly feel like an idiot? That totally happened to me today. My aunt and uncle visited, and I showed them my new "Karl the Sorcerer" animation. After the viewing, they were complimenting me on how great it was. Then we started talking about how Disney was animating all its cartoons these days, and I said something along the lines of "Well, you know what they say about animation." To which they replied, "No. What do they say?" I was drawing a blank. Nothing came to me, so I just stared straight ahead and said, "Animation." Was that even a human response?!

Remember the old saying: "Better to remain silent and thought a fool than open your mouth and prove it."

Ballad of the Open Thread

2005-10-08T17:33:00.000-04:00

There was once an Open Thread
who on the solar winds did tread,
who thought he could outrace the sun,
but then the Moon eclipsed his fun.

"The sun! The sun!" the Thread did cry,
and then with anger in his eyes,
he dared the foolish Moon to try
to take from him what he had wrought.
The Thread flew towards the moon with rage
to unleash what it sought to cage,
and through the smoke he bravely fought.

But fight the Moon? Could it be done?
Could the Thread regain the fun?

With his magic ice cream stick,
he fought the Moon. He bound it quick.
He cleaned it's clock, he stole it's soul,
he hit it with a parasol.

But then the Thread did come to see
the sunny fun he longed to free
was buried deep within the Moon,
trapped inside a lunar tomb.

Beside the pole, he sat and wept.
He didn't eat. He barely slept.

But at that time, out of the blue,
the Open Thread came face to face
with what can only be a case
of hyperbolic déjà vu.

Another Open Thread doth came,
flying in on wings of flame.
"Dear Thread," the slick imposter purred,
"You've no idea the wrath incurred
by you against the Threads of Doom,
who get our fun out of the Moon."

How could a Thread of any kind
have such an idiotic mind
to try to get fun from the Moon?
Explained within this ancient tune:
"Whosoever tries to take
from out the Moon the fun it makes,
shall know the Suffering of Leitin,
Master of the Art of Fightin'."

"You fool!" the other Thread presumed.
"That ancient tune, it's text resumes!"

"But Leitin was a wise old man
who grasped the need to make a plan
to transfer from within his span
his power over fighting ham.

"He grabbed a Thread, an then the fun.
he took them both and from them spun
the greatest fun-Thread ever done.

"He took that fun-Thread to the Moon,
and then he wrote this ancient tune,
and thus began the Thread of Doom."

So it would seem this strange pretender
was the Doom Threads' message sender.
A twist of fate with just one meaning-
this doom-Thread's clock was due a cleaning.

Grabbing fast his ice cream stick,
the Open Thread jumped up so quick
he hit the sender's glassy jaw,
who stood there with his gaping maw.

"How dare you dumb-Thread try to challenge
one of Leitin's greatest Threads!
I'll use my power over hammage
to make you fool-Thead meet your end!"

From out the doom-Thread ham of fire,
blazing with the glaze of honey,
came barreling toward the Open Thread,
its deadly nature oh so yummy.

To which the Open Thread replied,
again with fire in his eyes,
by throwing forth the ice cream stick,
devoid of ice cream, yes, but quick.

The Moon, the sun, where went the fun?
For when the Threads had ceased their duel,
they saw that life itself is cruel.
For where the sun and moon once sat,
there was Leitin, and surly at that.

"You Threads have failed my cosmic test.
You Threads are lines, I justly jest!
I spent ten years to find the best
but now I see you're like the rest!"

With shoes that shone as if with lightning,
off he ran, the Master of Fighting.
He left the Threads in disrepair,
glad they were finally out of his hair.

For years thereafter, across the sky,
the Open Thread and doom-Thread try
to find the fun that was their kin,
trapped forever on solar winds.

Sometimes I Go Too Far

2005-10-06T22:09:00.000-04:00

But sometimes you can't go far enough when the issue is getting attention from someone you barely know. I'm proud to report than Hinchey Watch has now evolved from single celled bacterium to multi-celled fungi. You can visit my permanent Hinchey Watch over at Super Magical Maurice Hinchey.

Super Magical Hinchey GO!

Hinchey Watch Day 1

2005-10-05T23:18:00.000-04:00

That's one day of my life that didn't amount to anything. Why doesn't my Congressman care? Sure, he's probably doing things like "working" and "eating". But I demand instant gratification!

Maauuuriiiiccce!!!

Super Magical Hinchey GO!

The Ball's in Hinchey's Court Now

2005-10-04T21:00:00.000-04:00

I finally did it- I sent an e-mail to a member of Congress! Actually, it wasn't an e-mail. You apparently can't send e-mails to Congressmen. I tried and got this instantly:

This e-mail account does not receive e-mail messages. In an effort to better serve the constituents of the 22nd Congressional District and increase the security of our network, all e-mails to Congressman Hinchey are received through the Congressman's web site. To send an e-mail to Congressman Hinchey, please go to www.house.gov/hinchey/contact.htm

Of course, that page doesn't exist. So, I went to his official web site and looked for contact information. A short while later, I successfully sent him my e-mail via his office form thing. The message involved congressional blogging, something I've been wondering about for some time. So, will Hinchey respond? Does a Congressman have the kind of time to wade through something written by a half-crazed, half-insane madman? Only time will tell.

Super Magical Hinchey GO!

Growing the Economy

2005-09-30T21:07:00.000-04:00

I have many duties as the United States' most distinguished economist. During my tenure at the Office of Imaginary Numerology I was entrusted with solving long term crises such as preserving the solvency of Social Security, to short term problems like managing the national deficit. After the recent recession and sluggish recovery, I was ordered (by the president) to draw up new government policies for improving the economy. The following proposals as well as the outline for my new “Greeting Card” pet project were submitted to the president during fiscal year 2005, and are pending review and implementation.

Lowering the National Deficit

According to the business cycle, the economy will expand, peak, and then contract. After it hits bottom, it recovers and the whole process starts anew. During contraction, the government is forced to spend money to hasten the recovery process. This adds to the national deficit. Therefore, it is advised to eliminate all government spending during an economic recession. In my professional opinion, doing this will alleviate the national deficit. The only side effect is a possible depression and extremely high unemployment rate. Of course, this can be offset by changing the definition of “unemployment” to exclude people who have no income. It is also recommended that the Federal Reserve raise interest rates to about 50%. This will encourage people to invest in high-interest government bonds, thus solving all our financial problems.

Keeping Gas Prices Under Control

If the Laffer Curve teaches us anything, it's how to keep gas prices down. Using the curve, we see that if the tax rate is too high or too low, the government only takes in a fraction of what it could potentially amass. To find out if the problem is the tax rate, the national tax on gasoline should be increased by $20 per gallon. After one week, the gas tax should be eliminated and massive subsidies should be given to the petroleum and auto industries. After another week or so, both industries will realize that money can't actually buy true happiness. They will then cooperate to build newer, more fuel-efficient cars. Once the demand for gasoline decreases, the price will drop.

Dealing with the Chinese Government

Over the last decade or so, China has emerged as a capitalist power. But while they may be economically dynamic and almost magical, they have been buying up dollars. Over the long haul, being indebted to the Chinese government poses a security risk. The easiest way to eliminate China as an economic threat is to force them to import more than they export. Unfortunately, they have a massive labor force and import far less than they export. Countless hours of research concluded that the one thing China needs to import the most is oil. It is therefore advisable to sell the Chinese government the entire Strategic Petroleum Reserve, as well as our arsenal of nuclear weaponry. This will cause China to import more than it exports, leaving its citizens completely demoralized and disillusioned. Their economy will crumble.

Fixing Social Security #1

Social Security is the most successful and widely loved entitlement program in American history. Unfortunately it is a “pay as you go” system, whereby the younger workers of society have a portion of their paychecks divvied up among the elderly who also used to have a portion of their paychecks removed. This will stress the system when the baby boomer generation retires (they're already starting to). The only way to counteract the baby boomer crunch is with, get this: another baby boomer generation. A third world war would certainly accomplish this goal, but the people of the early 22^nd century would just end up facing the same insolvency problem that we do now. Therefore, after the third world war, the government must repeal all environmental regulations and actually encourage unhealthy personal habits. This will give the second baby boomers a much lower life expectancy, preventing them from reaching retirement and sparing the people of the future from having a fourth world war.

Fixing Social Security #2

Immediately raise the retirement age for all baby boomers to 80. Those who choose to retire sooner are covertly shipped to organ harvesting plants.

Slowing Down the Housing Bubble

The price of homes has been increasing dramatically for some time now. This is great for homeowners who are selling their houses, but some economists warn that it parallels the dot-com bubble that burst a few years ago, leaving hundreds of computer geeks unemployed. They foolishly think that increasing prices on houses is unsustainable and will lead to economic ruin. Bah, I say! The housing bubble will never go bust. There is no reason to spend any time trying to fix this problem, for it does not exist. If anything, the government should be trying to get the prices on homes to go even higher!

Eliminating Poverty

The amount of people living in poverty has gone through the roof over the last four or five years. This is terrible but in that same time, the amount of millionaires has also gone up. The two cancel each other out, leaving us with no social problems whatsoever.

*UPDATE*

The President has recently approved all of my proposals, as well as my “Greeting Card” project. As a result of my research, progress is assured!

*UPDATE 2*

Despite choosing the latter option for fixing Social Security, the President was forced to switch to the former. A world war became inevitable once the Chinese started launching the nuclear missiles we sold them.

*UPDATE 3*

It would appear the petroleum industry hasn't gotten tired of money yet. Since the war began, they've raised the price of gasoline to approximately $50 a gallon. Technological innovations have ceased due to a strange global economic paralysis caused by hyperinflation. My “Greeting Card” project seems to have destabilized the Moon's orbit.

*UPDATE 4*

While the Earth may have been rendered uninhabitable by nuclear fallout, I am fully confident that my “Greeting Card 2” project will give us enough time to evacuate to Mars before the Moon's orbit completely decays.

Lookie Here! I Found Me Some Animé!

2005-09-23T16:01:00.000-04:00

Now here is a truly incredible site. What makes the animé at this site so incredible? Integrity. Experience. Credibility. This is a real artist of the people. If you've got a huge chunk of time to kill (and don't act like you don't. I know you!) then go here. If you don't, a bunny might die. In fact, I'm sure it will. Who would kill an innocent bunny? This guy.

The Passion of the Roboshrub II

2005-09-21T18:30:00.000-04:00

As the sun set, Vince O’Neil looked out through the thicket that had been his home for the last two weeks. Some day I’ll get home, he thought. It had now been two weeks (though it seemed longer) since Vince had gotten lost in this harsh forest. What had started as a simple hike had turned deadly once the bears had shown up. They descended without warning upon the campers, and with their ferocious roars and razor-sharp claws had scattered the frightened children throughout the dark wood. Running had not been easy for the 300 pound middle schooler, but the threat of being devoured by grizzlies proved to be all the motivation he needed to outrun his slimmer friends. The first two days had been the hardest, finding blood-stained bits of clothes and empty canteens among the wrecked campsite. Each night he could hear the bears’ demonic howls, but he could tell they were getting farther away as the days passed. Left with no food, water, or shelter, Vince knew it was only a matter of time before help came. Until then he would have to survive.

During his time in a juvenile hall for (unwillingly) stealing government property, Vince had tried to escape- not literally, of course, but through his imagination. The facility had an extensive library, and Vince spent many a night reading about far off places. One of those books chronicled the life of a man who was marooned on an island for several years. He managed to survive by eating vermin and insects, and drinking the sweet juice of the coconut. Too bad I’m not stranded on a desert island, Vince grumbled listlessly. The forest had no coconut trees or vermin; even the insects looked puny. Survival would be a challenge in this dense wasteland. Luckily, the grizzlies that destroyed his campsite and eaten his friends hadn’t figured out how to open the cooler wherein all their lunches resided. Stupid bears, thought Vince. They could have had ham! Fighting his urge to eat all the sandwiches the first day, a careful rationing system was devised. But all the food in the world couldn’t stop the dreams.

Dreams? They were more like nightmares. When Vince closed his eyes, he saw his friends- and the bears. He could hear their screams as the tried to run, but he knew the bears were quicker. Sometimes it was only one bear. A giant demonic bear, wearing bronzed armor and holding a glistening golden sword. “Foolish human!” the bear shouted. “You have already lost!” Every morning Vince woke up with a scream, looking around for the evil bear king. And every morning it wasn’t there. The dreams only made him more paranoid. At night he listened to the howls of the bears. After the first week he couldn’t hear them anymore. They’re gone! I’m finally safe!

As the days turned into weeks and then into fortnights, Vince began to lose hope. Living out in the forest changed him. Surviving out in the wilderness gave Vince a new outlook on life, and it wasn’t just psychological. He managed to lose more than half his weight, going from being morbidly obese to merely hefty. He became an adept hunter, learning how to track and catch small birds and whatever animals he could find. Vince O’Neil was no longer a video game addicted couch potato. He stared the world in the eyes, and the world blinked. The cooler full of prepackaged food ran out a while ago, but Vince thought nothing of it. He thought less and less about civilization, about rescue. Then once fateful day, he heard laughter. Not the demonic laughter of the bear king, but human laughter.

What was this? It appeared to Vince to be some kind of company picnic; there were people everywhere eating food, small children playing, and some band giving a rendition of an old Elvis song. A huge group of people were congregated around a central station of some kind, cheering at one of the biggest TVs ever made. As Vince walked up to the screen he began to feel déjà vu. When he saw what was on the screen, his jaw dropped. It was him! These people were cheering at him as they watched him capture a sparrow. Turning around, Vince had another revelation: these were his friends! The same friends he thought had been ripped apart by wild grizzlies, alive and well! “Don’t worry, Vincent. Everything will be fine,” came a voice from behind Vince. Spinning his head with unnatural quickness, he came face to face with the demon from his dreams- the bear king himself!

***

“Will he ever recover?” asked Vince’s mom, looking into the small chamber where Vince sat, his eyes darting back and forth. “It’s hard to say. Vincent suffered what we in the business call ‘a shock’. He just couldn’t take it all in, and he just snapped.” Looking up from his pad, the doctor frowned. “But then again, what did you expect when Fox picked him for that insane new reality show, ‘Survivor: Bear Edition’?”

Failed Sociological Experiments #1-10

2005-09-18T00:35:00.000-04:00

As a fully accredited sociologist, it is my duty to study the human condition in all it's forms. This includes intentionally provoking others through amazingly contrived situations, thereby forcing them to accept ideas beyond their current thought-processes. The following are failed experiments that resulted in lawsuits and/or property damage.

Failed Sociological Experiment #1: Operation Darwin

Purpose of Experiment: To study humans in their natural habitat.

Hypothesis: Humans tend to form complex social interactions when left to their own devices.

Findings: No findings. Hidden ceiling camera discovered by several subjects.

Failed Sociological Experiment #2: Mr. Critical

Purpose of Experiment: To record the reaction of several people to harsh, loud criticism by a complete stranger.

Hypothesis: Some people will be too perplexed to protest; others will sharply defend themselves against unwanted criticism.

Findings: Store managers ask you to leave when they see you screaming at customers.

Failed Sociological Experiment #3: Call of the Wild

Purpose of Experiment: Go through a public zoo with a silent dog whistle. Record the reactions of people when you use it.

Hypothesis: When the pandas start tearing each other apart, someone will tell you to knock it off.

Findings: Crowds love dueling pandas.

Failed Sociological Experiment #4: Bootless Bootlegging

Purpose of Experiment: Go through a security checkpoint to Mexico with an empty car. Go through the same checkpoint later with about twenty bags of sand, and act suspicious. Repeat each day for two weeks.

Hypothesis: The government is willing to spend thousands of dollars and dozens of hours investigating bags of sand.

Findings: Homeland Security detention centers are cold.

Failed Sociological Experiment #5: Come Again?

Purpose of Experiment: Ask someone for directions. Then, ask them to repeat what they just said. Keep asking them to repeat themselves until they give up and leave. Find out how long that takes.

Hypothesis: People will think you either have a serious memory problem, or are messing with them.

Findings: 45% of participants thought they were on a hidden camera show.

Failed Sociological Experiment #6: Tammany Hall

Purpose of Experiment: Pick a random member of Congress and send him/her letters accusing him/her of corruption. Find out if that member of Congress will personally respond to such outlandish accusations.

Hypothesis: No one in Congress has the kind of time to respond to baseless accusations.

Findings: Homeland Security detention centers are really cold.

Failed Sociological Experiment #7: Pen Pals

Purpose of Experiment: Wait until one in the morning. Then, look through your phone book for someone that lives a few miles away. Call them and claim to be from another country and ask to be pen pals.

Hypothesis: Most people will politely explain the difference in time zones and ask that they call back later.

Findings: People with Caller ID aren't so polite.

Failed Sociological Experiment #8: Beam Me Up

Purpose of Experiment: Find out how much the average person knows about Star Trek and thinks about Star Trek fans.

Hypothesis: The average person is neutral towards Star Trek, yet despises its fans (trekkies).

Findings: Although only 28% of subjects think trekkies are “nerds”, 79% feel that Star Trek fans do not exercise much. A whopping 61% believed that Star Trek and Star Wars were created by the same person.

Failed Sociological Experiment #9: Armageddon

Purpose of Experiment: Find out how many people think the world will end in the next couple of years.

Hypothesis: No one could be gullible enough to think that, given all our advanced technology and ingenuity, the world will end.

Findings: The world is ready for Armageddon insurance.

Failed Sociological Experiment #10: A Rose by Any Other Name

Purpose of Experiment: Strike up a conversation with a complete stranger. During the conversation, make up words. Record whether the person asks the meaning of the word or derives its meaning from the context.

Hypothesis: The more real a word sounds, the more likely it is that the subject will derive its meaning.

Findings: Freudian slips make this experiment unfeastible.

How NOT to Debug an Umbrella

2005-09-15T20:49:00.000-04:00

Many people would jump at the chance to use a brand-new piece of technology. When I was first offered the position of “Chief Product Debugger” at Roboshrub Inc. I initially declined. The company was situated many miles from the closest town, behind a grove of dead-looking pine trees. It was weathered and worn, and looked as if it had sat unused for a hundred years; even the job title itself had a dreary ring to it. It looked nothing like the ad, which showed a 19^th century steel mill surrounded by smiling workers. The ad had come, unsolicited, to my doorstep. I would not have followed up on it, but the starting salary was at least six digits. It was just too good of an offer to pass up. But this was nothing like the ad. The walls were rotting, the machinery was covered in cobwebs, and silence hung in the air. It was a tomb.

Following the map on one of the crumbling walls, I eventually made it to the waiting room. One of the ceiling lights had a slightly orange glow to it, which made me uneasy. I always hate it when I'm looking at a bunch of ceiling lights and one is a bit off. After about fifteen minutes, I met with the manager. Before that moment, I did not believe that it was possible to concentrate so much aqua-velva in one place. I found out later that the “manager” was actually the President of Roboshrub Incorporated, so it's probably a good thing I didn't make a joke about the bad cologne. In truth, it was he who made the bad puns. “Name's Roboshrub. Michael Roboshrub the Fifth. Don't ever forget that, I'm the Fifth. Guess what my Great Grandfather's name was. Go on, guess!”

Still, the economy was in a slump and I desperately wanted expensive food. You may not think pizza is all that expensive, but a couple slices each week really adds up. But it's worth it. The sensation of the pizza, of the smell as you hold it up to your face, the taste of the cheese and sauce as you bite into it; can such a thing be given a monetary value? My mind lost to the ravages of pizza withdrawal, or perhaps blinded by the high salary, I recklessly agreed to become Roboshrub Inc.'s new Chief Debugger. I received my first project that day: testing the company's new solar powered umbrella.

The umbrella had passed factory testing which involved being sprayed with water from a garden hose. My purpose was to test it under actual rain conditions. I watched the weather channel intently every day, but it was a dry month. The grass had turned a straw-like brown, and the leaves had been tricked into thinking it was already Autumn. I started browsing the Internet, looking for a new job. I was in the middle of updating my resume to include “Chief Product Debugger” when I head a familiar pattering on my air conditioner; it was raining!

Grabbing the device, I ran outside as fast as I could. I looked straight up and closed my eyes. Small pellets of rain softly battered my face. I heard two or three thunderclaps in the distance. The whole world was alive, with insects and birds chirping and the ground giving off it's ancient earthy smell. Remembering that my job (and six figure salary) depended on my ability to forgo this scene of unparalleled beauty, I sighed and pulled out the umbrella. It was unlike any umbrella I have seen before or since. The lining was a bluish fabric, softer than silk. The exterior, however, was covered in small rectangular solar cells. Each cell was identical, and they shimmered like the underside of a CD. As I held it up, the cells began to glow. Light streamed out of them, bathing me and the surrounding area in a prism. It began to unfurl, reaching out to protect me from the unrelenting downpour. Looking up I could see the cells through the umbrella's lining, which had become translucent. It's beautiful, I thought to myself. Then I heard another thunderclap and the world melted away.

The stench of antiseptics knocked me back into consciousness. The doctor who greeted me told me that I had been struck by not one, but two bolts of lightning. This caused the bone marrow in the right side of my body to instantly boil, fusing several ribs together and leaving a huge scar across my back. If my neighbor hadn't looked out her window when she did, well, it might have been too late. A police examination of the umbrella found that the solar cells were made out of a highly conductive metal. It was as if I had been walking around with a lightning rod.

As soon as I got out of the hospital, I went directly to Roboshrub Inc. to demand compensation for my pain and suffering. But it was gone. When I first went there for my interview, the whole building looked empty, devoid of life. Now, nothing remained. The dead pine grove had stretched beyond it's original position to encompass where Roboshrub Inc. had been. I scurried around for at least a half hour, looking for some sign that I didn't imagine the place. There was no trace of it. As I turned to leave, I thought I heard laughter coming from the trees. I've never answered an unsolicited ad since.

Just When You Though It Was Over

2005-09-05T19:37:00.000-04:00

The party begins anew! That's right- all new Timages! Of course, I prefer quality over quantity. Hopefully you do too. Because if you don't... too bad. The Lord High Executioner has spoken!

2005-08-24T00:04:00.000-04:00

Yes, at long last, my non-award winning game is online! Play it by clicking here. Also, it only works in Internet Explorer. I know, I hate it too. But when I started the thing, Firefox was years away and IE was... tolerable.

Sweet Cuttlefish of Calcutta!

2005-08-21T23:58:00.000-04:00

That's right, for the first time ever, this blog now has an open thread! Many people had to put in overtime, millions of taxpayer dollars were expended, and over 20,000 chickens were put to death out of fear that they carried the rampant bird flu. But none of that matters now; bloggers (and anyone else with Internet access) can now talk openly on this blog about anything. Speaking of which, I'm going to soon post my JavaScript-based Cuttlefish game. It took some time to make, but I should have it online in the next few days. Don't wait up.

New York City Body Massage

2005-08-21T23:12:00.000-04:00

Finally, my vacation is over! These last four days in New York City have been truly amazing. Well, technically they were time consuming and uneventful; but that’s hardly my fault. I went everywhere: Chinatown, little Italy, and the south street seaport. I also went to where the World Trade Center used to be. There’s still an American flag there, waving proudly.

One of the highlights of my trip was the street fair at the south street seaport. They sold everything there: clothes, food, CDs, food, posters, food, toy cars, and did I mention food? There were also – and I’m not messing with you – two massage booths. You haven’t really been to New York City unless some guy walks up to you in the middle of the street and offers you a massage. I also saw another incredible sight later at the gas pump, where it was over $3 a gallon. Good thing I never pay for gas.

But while things in New York City are at times, expensive and/or weird, it’s still one of the best places on Earth (Definitely one of the best cities in the country). The food, the architecture, the fluorinated water, the beautiful pink midnight sky. You can’t go wrong with NYC. But for your own sanity, it’s best not to drive through Manhattan during rush hour.

I Can't Legally Buy Highlighters

2005-08-17T21:14:00.000-04:00

Does anyone out there play Diablo? I've thought about buying it for some time, and so today I decided to finally buy the Diablo Battle Chest. I went into Wal-mart, picked up a copy, and went to pay for it. Then the trouble started. Diablo is rated “M” because it contains “Animated Blood and Gore”. When I pulled out my wallet, I was immediately asked for an ID to prove that I was over 18. This was, shall we say, problematic, because I never bothered getting a driver's license. And no, apparently they don't accept college IDs. Because without a driver's license, I could just be a fifteen year old. A six foot tall fifteen year old with my picture on a college ID. The only two IDs they accept are driver's licenses and non-driver ID things that are issued by the DMV. I ended getting Diablo anyway, though. Take that, Wal-mart!

But games that are rated “M” aren't the only thing you can't buy when they think you're under 18. And no, I'm not talking about alcoholic beverages. The cashier told me about how teenagers would buy white out, highlighters, and other office products, and smell them until they got high. As a result, the sale of white out and highlighters are restricted. Because in the eyes of the law, playing a computer game is the same thing as sniffing glue. And on top of all that, the sales tax was 8%.

So what I really want to know is who comes up with this stuff? Is this a state law or a federal law? Who do I go to to complain? Why am I paying taxes on things I can't buy? And since when does Wal-mart carry good computer games?

Two Days Ruined by Insidious Insect

2005-08-13T22:53:00.000-04:00

Ever play with a grasshopper? Maybe one day, back in third grade, you picked up a small cricket of some kind, just to see how it would react to being put into a plastic-bottle terrarium. Or maybe you just wanted to see how far you could throw it. Either way, there's something you should know: it's back, and this time it's personal.

It was an ordinary Thursday. I minded my own business and didn't bother anyone. But then night came, and the chirping started. I'm used to hearing bugs outside, making their noises all night, but this one was right on my windowsill. It was a cricket or grasshopper, but whatever it was it was annoying. Imagine the person you hate most in the entire world. Now, imagine them scraping their nails across a huge chalkboard. Now imagine a police siren in the background. You might be thinking to yourself, “why not open the window and crush it with your angry fist?” Well, it turns out that this particular bug chose to make it's new home on the window with my air conditioner in it. The thing is sealed in with caulk and glue and I had to put a layer of clay over the edges just to keep the bugs out. So there was no way to open the window without taking out my air conditioner during the middle of the hottest summer in history. I was left with no choice but to wait it out. After smacking the window and air conditioner a few times, it got the message and shut up long enough for me to get to sleep. But Friday I wasn't so lucky.

It started chirping when the sun went down, just like on Thursday. I thought that it would have flown away, maybe to eat, but this wasn't a normal insect... it was pure evil. After banging on my window for about a half hour, it became apparent that I couldn't get it to stop. Once again, I tried waiting it out. I watched T.V. I turned up the volume. I turned the lights on and off. By 4 a.m. I realized that this grasshopper had challenged me to a battle of wills. And I was losing.

Taking what was left of my dignity, and also my pillow, I went to sleep in a different room. But as I walked out, I turned to the window and shouted (well, not shouted, since it was 4 a.m.) “I'll get you yet, you fiend!” I knew that in it's own, evil way, the cricket was laughing. That laughter ended four hours later, when my air conditioner was coated with pesticide. I haven't heard any chirping since.

Evil Cricket, I cast you down into the Fires of the Frozen Lower Blogosphere!

Which Browser Do YOU Use?

2005-08-11T21:15:00.000-04:00

Microsoft Hates Me on a Personal Level

2005-08-10T15:13:00.000-04:00

I set up the blog. I chose a title. I edited the template. Then, last but not least, I wanted the title to look really cool. I have this really great font, “Knights Templar”, that just made the title look perfect. But then my brain has one of those really annoying “What If?” things, and I realize that while I am free to enjoy the beauty of Knights Templar, other people might not have that font. Knowing a bit about web design, I come to two simple conclusions: either find a way to embed the font, or make the title an image. Microsoft makes embedding fonts easy; they have a program that creates these stupid little *.eot files out of a font and then you can use CSS to declare new fonts based on those files. “That's perfect!” I thought to myself. Now others could see my blog just as I intended it to be seen! But there's a catch to this code- it was invented by Microsoft, and is therefore incompatible with every other browser. Being a staunch Firefox user, I am appalled by the very thought of using such an outrageously inferior browser as Internet Explorer. So while it would be extremely easy to embed my font, I decided on the latter option. I would make an image.

It was the perfect image, crafted in Photoshop. It was the right size, the right color, and beautifully rendered. But then I ran into the same problem I always have when I want to make transparent images with text: when you save them as GIFs, they always look jagged and that's just plain stupid. JPEGs (as any idiot can tell you) would give me the color quality I need, but they lack transparency. They're not even translucent. “Fools!” I say. “That will never work!” So I finally settle on a PNG image. PNGs have the great coloring of JPEGs, and also transparency. So, I convert the perfect image into... a PNG. It looks great, loads fast, and the quality is virtually identical to the original that I made in Photoshop. That's when Microsoft came up behind me and smacked me in the back of the head.

Every time that I make some new piece of code, I test it in every browser I have to make sure everyone can see it. The PNG looked great in Firefox, but then I loaded it in Internet Explorer. The whole thing had a weird whitish background! I screamed and slammed my angry fist as fast as I could at the object nearest to me, which painfully turned out to be my desk. I spent the next few minutes trying to figure out if I needed a different conversion program, or if my suspicions were correct and Microsoft planned this years in advance just to anger me. It turns out that Internet Explorer can't, and never has been able to, render transparent PNGs the right way. Microsoft doesn't know how to make it recognize alpha transparency or some stupid thing like that. A little more searching and I found some JavaScript code that would fix this problem. Twenty puny lines of free code did what a huge company like Microsoft couldn't. Of course, the code won't work if JavaScript is turned off. But then again, anyone smart enough to disable JavaScript in Internet Explorer would already be using Firefox (or Camino, or Mozilla, or Netscape, etc.).

But no matter how horrible Internet Explorer is, it has one redeeming quality: It's not Opera. No, I take that back. Opera renders PNGs the right way. Internet Explorer is below even Opera. You hear that, Bill Gates?! You're worse than Opera!

Paid for by Opera, the greatest web browser to ever exist in the history of humanity.

Post of Doom

2005-08-09T21:32:00.000-04:00

From the fires of the lower blogosphere, I commandeth thee: Comment thine misbegotten jabberings! Comment like never before; lest this be the day the fires of the lower blogosphere consume you!